denvergs-and-equal-opportunity-employers
Title: denvergs-and-equal-opportunity-employers
Author: Clint "GameMaster" Hays
Date: Apr 3, 2000
[enter lazy mode]
so im sittin here in my dorm room one day back in early march and mike girard sends me a message on icq. he starts asking me if im coming to denver for the grand slam, and im like 'no, that's too far.' well he tells me that he knows kyle craft and brian hunter will show up, so i tell him i'll think about it.
the next day i drive home for the weekend and when i get there i have a check from my aunt. shes a bit forgetful so she never sends money on time. well this one is for my graduation last spring, christmas, and my birthday and its $150. so i waltz into the living room and tell my dad that im flying to colorado and he says, 'i dont know that's a long way.' and i say, 'im goin and there's nothing you can do about it cuz i own you.' his response...'n--'shut your mouth and know your role old man.' he aint got much to say after that.
so i go back to the computer and get myself up on priceline.com. i start trying prices and different options and when it's all said and done im flying to colorado for $238. only problem is im flying from atlanta which is 3.5 hours from knoxville. oh yeah...and i leave atlanta at 7:14 friday morning and get back at 11:45 on sunday night. that's just great.
so i go to detroit and suck a fat @#$% like i have been all year. i throw my box down which causes the bottom to crumble and cards go everywhere. so i start scooping and dumbass joe gaus walks by and steps right on the top crushing it. i throw it away and the dumb little bastard who beat me(making his life) picks it up as a souvenir. last i heard it was going for about $100 on ebay.
so i decided that im still gonna go to colorado but its not going to be any normal tourney for me. its going to be a test. if i do well, ill keep playing. if i do poorly or feel that i dont play my best, then ill stop playing...probably til the first day of worlds.
i have these decks built...rops and yavin mains...and im talkin about them with steve and were talkin about changes. well i decide i dont like steve anymore. he's officially out of a job. if anybody is interested, im looking for a new deckbuilder. steve officially sucks ass.
so i pack my stuff up and head out the door. its now 2 am friday morning. i hit the road and make my way to atlanta. i have no idea where im at so i accidentally turn into the delta employee lot at the airport thinking its the parking lot. the guy asks for my badge and im like 'what am i supposed to show you?' he then explains and i ask him how to get to parkin and he is clueless. wtf? he works for the airport but he doesnt know how to get to it? so i turn around and finally find it. i walk about a mile to the terminal and go to check in. right now its about 5:45 am. there are about a million people in the airport so i wait in line for 30-45 mins to get my boarding pass. i finally get that taken care of and have to wait 10 more mins to get through security. i finally get on the plane and its packed. well...another $25,000 for united. the guy next to me falls asleep so i have to wake him up like 3 times to go to the pisser. not only that...but i spilt my ginger ale all over the place.
after about 3 hours of boredom i finally arrive at denver international airport. when i get to the gate im lookin for 2 fat guys and a skinny guy. nowhere to be seen. so im pissed. where is girard? i ride the little underground train down to baggage to look but they arent there either. now im really pissed. did the snow get them? i dont know anybody and i dont know where to go. so i walk over to info and as the lady what her name is. 'Ka--'It doesnt matter what your name is!'...anyway i tell her to page mike girard for me. then i go sit and wait. about 5 minutes later mike girard walks around the corner. so i berate him for being late. he tells me the snow was bad but i know it was because he overslept. so we walk down to baggage to find brentson and hes snooping through peeps luggage. finally we go outside and get in mike girards car.
now if youve never seen it youre in for a surprise. mike girard is like half the size of this car if that tells you anything. its like a little cardboard box with wheels. after about 30 mins we get to the hotel where brian fred and a couple of mopes from arizona are playing wars.
we get hungry so we go down to the hotel restaurant and eat. girard smacks me around some, but thats ok...cuz ill get my revenge. i hammer brentson with my rops deck and we go quit to go play some poker.
well i get cheated multiple times. sinclair is a mechanic so of course he takes all my money(which i got by selling cards to brentson).
so we decide to go eat dinner at applebees. we're all sittin around laughing and i look over and garrison is spitting up this nasty lookin brown juice and he up and leaves the table. so im laughing hysterically cuz this is funny. so girard is like 'he took a bite of steak and a gulp of beer and steak wouldnt go down or up...so he had to puke it out' and brian fred is like 'why'd he buy the beer?' this makes us laugh even more cuz fred is so stupid. then the waiter comes and asks 'is he done with that?' 'yeah i think so' which makes us laugh even more hysterically. funniest thing ive ever seen.
so we go back to the hotel and play some more wars and finally go to bed. well ive got like 1/4 of the bed cuz fred is sleeping in the same bed with me and about 5 hours later we get up to go play.
we write out lists and get paired up for game 1.
i was very exhausted and i dont remember much about any of the games...im gonna give you as much as i can.
game 1- ls vs steve brentson's rops
wtf? brentson game 1? well i get out early and obi is all over his planet. he flips but i flip him back. eventually i put luke to my hoth war room and move him to his hoth plains to drain for some more. he puts vader's shuttle out and moves it up to the system. i see my tantive as a destiny draw and draw it next turn. next turn i kick the hell out of vader's boat and win the game shortly thereafter.
2 +17
game 2 ds vs grant ekelund hb asteroids
i nearly crap my pants when i see him pop out sanctuary and a ship to big one like 2nd turn. i get my stuff and flip and put out search and destroy and start draining. i finally kill his ship and alter that sanctuary...along with a couple more. zuckuss makes his presence felt when he smacks glig1 around. drains and s+d do him in.
4 +32
game 3 ls vs tim mcknight rops
this is the worst rops deck ive ever seen. he flips and i flip him back and beat the hell out of him for 21.
6 +53
game 4 ds vs kyle craft yavin mains
hmm...savrip comes down backed by senses...i beat him down and he just loses guys from hand. 5th turn fury does me in.
6 +39
game 5 ds vs kids sabacc
i flip and send vader and his saber to join tarkin in scout 3 to the casino. lando and son get trampled and the drains and decree lock do him in.
8 +60
game 6 ls vs matt ricks rops
he gets about 5 cards on the table the whole game. obi wrecks him. ships wreck him. civil wrecks him.
10 +90
game 7 ls vs kyle craft endor ops
first turn tunnel for obi and give him a blade at the endor docking bay. draw 1 card its rev. 3rd turn tunnel for tawss and put her at revolved bunker. no rumors for kyle. the falcon likes epps so i give it han and leia and send it to endor. oola follows with civil next turn and kyle is in a pinch. 2 dreads with 2 ds pilots come down to endor but i draw 6 so they both die and i lose 3 cards. next turn wedge comes down to take care of the ships. he's hurtin now. i move falcon to tatooine to drain for 2. he drops boba fett to endor and zuckuss to kashyyyk. i shock on his turn. activate all but 2. tantive and luke to kashyyyk, spiral and lando with gun to endor. knock off both his ships and complete the victory. wouldve been by 30 but he got mara to my farm and i had no guys to battle her. so i win by 20.
12 +110
game 8 vs steve brentson hut and mains
i come out and get complete control. iao does its job and ben pays vader a visit during the move phase. well vader moves away. he puts glig1 to kashyyyk and executor, ozzel, and battle order make him pay for that one. savrip helps but now im in control. sites are desert, forest, jungle, docking bay in that order. ts1 with arnet and marquand are at desert. dlots with saber is being chased from jungle to forest by ben, epp han, wedge, and biggs. mara with saber is at docking bay with boussh undercover. i move vader to jungle and contemplate moving mara there to but decide not to. steve says 'what do i do clint?' i then say the dumbest thing ive ever said in my life. 'well steve from where im sittin there isnt much you can do' he then proceeds to drop epp luke with boussh broken and hits mara + skywalkers and the force is strong. mara and 10 go to the pile. im in trouble...i jockey around and win cuz im that damn good.
14 +117
so the TD says if either of the top 2 players wants a duel we'll have one. kyle doesnt wanna play. i say ok, but if you dont then you ff the title to me...he agrees to play. i ask him which side he wants first and he says light since he won with it earlier. i proceed to beat the living hell out of him with s+d and some atst pilots. thanks to mm canceling savrip and vader never hitting the table, i win by 18. kyle picks up his cards, conceeds game 2, and im the champ.
so i pick up the light side sheet. fred rips his sheet so we make fun of him some. we then go down to lone star to eat.
we make some twin jokes about fred and girard and ask the waitress if they get free deserts. then i notice that there are no ugly girls here. so i ask the hostess if she thinks that lone star is an equal opportunity employer. 'yes. but the prettier girls get hired first.' we get some 'nos' and some 'yesses'. when they answer yes we immediately call them liars cuz they are. finally we leave and go back for some sleep.
we talk to joe and jeff on an older code for awhile and then hit the floor. i get about an hour of sleep and at 4:30 we check out.
fred and i tell them to call us a cab to the airport for his 7:50 flight. we wait forever cuz they arent sending one. but finally they send us the dumbest guy they have. this guy isnt playing with a full deck. he takes us the short way which turns out to be the long way cuz he doesnt know where he's going and it ends up taking an hour for this 20 minute drive. well...about 7:00 were gettin worried. and fred says 'what time is it?' '7:50' the cabby says. fred @#$%s his pants. this is the funniest thing ive ever heard. that guy got fred good.
we finally get there and fred cries like a baby cuz he doesnt know how the airport works. i finally tell him to follow the signs and he's off. i go to check in and ask if i can get an earlier flight than my 6:45 pm. they put me on stand-by and i head to the gate. luckily im in and im on the plane.
when i get to atlanta airport i go to pick up my sheet and i see steve elkington and his caddy. that's pretty cool.
so i finally leave and drive back home to type this thing up.
since everybody else is doing props and slops i guess i will too
slops first cuz props are gonna be funnier
slops
-garrison for puking during dinner
-sinclair for taking all my money
-the stupid security guard at the hotel for telling us to
be quiet
-the dumb little kid for playing the piano at lunch
-all the waitresses at lone star for being liars
-girard and garrison for being chainsaw and lawnmower
-girard for being a dumbass and picking me up 45 mins late
at the airport
-the cab driver for being a stupid bastard
props
-girard for being cool and setting up the trip
-brian hunter for growing nuts and showing up to play
-joe helfrich for running a good tourney
-the lady at the hotel for hooking us up with a cab driver
-the lady on the plane for giving me her napkin when i spilt
my drink
-shannon baksa for changing into the tight blue jeans and
that pink see-through top
-fred and girard for being the coolest twins i know
-gabe for being the coolest guy i know
and finally
-kyle craft for being my @#$%
that's all folks
Clint 'GameMaster' Hays
disclaimer- this report was meant to be funny. some of the cracks are jokes and should be taken as such.