gencon-and-the-sea-of-jizz
Title: gencon-and-the-sea-of-jizz
Author: Clint "GameMaster" Hays
Date: Aug 30, 2000
[enter lazy mode]
so after origins we get back and it was a bit of a disappointing time for the nashville crew. jim had gone 4-2 and was skeptical about gencon and steve had gone 3-3 twice over the weekend and considered killing himself. and of course...the light of the swccg universe had been excluded from play at the open because he's so damn good. they just didnt want to let him win two opens in a row.
anyhow...morale is low...so im talkin to some people about going and everybody is out. jim had some stupid trip he was going on and didnt want to spend any money. and steve well...you know why steve didnt want to go...it took enough persuasion just to get steve to put down the gun...i wasnt about to try and convince him to go on an 800 mile trip. and then there was gabe. a quick phone call was sure to capture the interest of gabe and he and i would make the journey all alone. but fate would not have it that way. gabe had a cash flow problem due to the ending of his ea sports gig. so gabe was out...and it was lookin like a $200 plane ticket would be my only route to milwaukee.
but wait...there was hope...steve's spirits were up after getting some good ds2 boxes and he thought maybe our decks had a chance. so he finally decides to go if i can get hooked up with nick burke on some room. well that works out and we end up talkin to steve turner about staying and he gets the hook up from nick as well...so now all we need is some decks...
so im over at steves a week before gencon and were talkin about how there arent any dark decks that can handle every single light we expect to see. and then we start talkin about ties. and im like yeah that's good...and we could use vanguards...so we talk about using set your course with the emperor at the db to hold a battle ground. i then leave and we each work on the deck...but since im lazy i dont mess with it much and just count on steve to come up with the best version. and of course he does. and its the best deck you've ever seen.
so about two days before gencon im talkin to steve and im like what about luke with speeders...and he says he already built that and its not very good...so i say you gotta have like 20 speeders and he's down with that...so i tell him to work on it some at work and he does and its the best deck you've ever seen...or so we think...at first it has this gay falcon package but we decide that a few xwings are better...seein as were running incom and all...turns out the deck has serious problems with bhbm that runs sac but who knew...anyhow were still discussing day 1 decks as we head out the door...
on the way up were arguing about whether or not steve should play the ties day 1...i eventually lose the argument because steve refuses to play rops...says he cant win with them...they must be bad...go figure...
so finally we stop for dinner at this wendy's and after about an hour waiting in line with head on out...we get to milwaukee around midnight and start lookin for a place to stay. we stop at two hotels and they tell us that there is a hojo with room...finally we find it and the 80 yr old @#$% inside wont give us a room cuz im not 21...wtf? she had to have pulled that one out of her ass cuz i aint never heard that @#$% before...so now were pretty much @#$%ed....
so we head north and there's nothing...and we head south and there's nothing...until we stop at these gas stations...but they dont speak english and we get a little lost a couple times...finally steve misses the interstate and we head down this back road where there's this little shack motel...steve knocks on the door and wakes the lady up...turns out we got room #7 for $35...now...this place is creepy...the old lady is a bit scary because she doesnt speak english and they have a 2 hour rate for $20 if you're just there to get lucky...very strange...the room has no phone and no clock but they went big and had a fridge...we gotta pick up turner at the airport in 6 hours so we determine to look at a watch every time either of us wakes up...
finally the morning comes and were still alive...its a miracle...so we head to the airport and start playin some games while we wait for turner...he gets there and doesnt see us so he's lookin around muttering something about bastards to himself and finally...after much laughter...we make ourselves known and he's sighs a huge sigh of relief....we head to the con....
finally the gamemaster has come back to gencon
we wait in line for a couple hours and finally make our way inside...once inside i find somebody to play a game with...a win a few and i lose a few and then i see gary carman...i tell his ass to sit down so i can continue my winning streak against him....he dies hard a few times and seeing as i get tired of winning over and over i let him take a few to even the score so to speak...so nick and his buddies are there and they want to leave but steve squared are playing history of the world and they refuse to quit...but alas they are getting hammered and we head out to the hotel.
now when we get to the hotel we throw down our stuff and a couple of people start playing a game. since everybody is hungry we decide to stop the gaming and go find a denny's.
now we all head down to the car and when we get off the elevator on the ground floor this alan guy that is with us says he forgot something in the room(i think it was his wallet) and he'll be down in a few minutes. so as we approach the car i also realize that i have forgotten my wallet so i run back up to get it. as i get to the room i notice that alan is still in the next room(we got 2 rooms people)...so i run in to see what is takin him so long.
what i saw amazed me. he's got this blow up doll and he's in mid-stroke. and im just like what the @#$% are you doing. so he offers me an emperor palpatine to keep my mouth shut. well since i didnt have one i accepted his proposal. but he forgot to give it to me so @#$% him. haha
dinner was a bit awkward with him praying that i wouldnt say anything. anyhow after 2 hours at this @#$%in slowass denny's we all get the Brownie(7 of em)
after eating the luck factor we head back to the hotel. i then proceed to get steve's computer and sign on to his internet access using a long distance number(unbeknownst to me at this point).
after this we build some decks for the next day. im goin rops and speed profit. turner helps me a bit and im feelin pretty confident...
DAY 1
dark side is classic rops with none of that "im gonna use mob. pts so you can come and rape me at my docking bay on the 2nd turn bull@#$%"
and light side is speed profit with mega drain/evade capability. (please let me play ties)
game 1 vs tim peterson qmc
so im like hell yeah...im playin a kid i never heard of and he's running qmc. first turn he drops 2 eloms and odds...and um...i took that defense out...not so good. well i finally flip while avoiding too much odds damage. but then he flips and so im not hurting his drains. he sits 2 eloms per site and vader is stuck on my planet. he retrieves off the eloms. he retrieves off his xwings that are all over bespin. and he drops cc cele. to add to the damage. all while odds is in the deck so im pretty much @#$%ed
0 (-23)
game 2 vs cheating @#$% from canada
well for some reason he converts my jp and ac right off the bat cuz im a moron. and then he plays twilek for ete. anyhow...i sit for a turn and on turn 2 i drop ben master gift and clear the chamber. flip with master and han. he comes down but nothin much happens so i drain and run. but im only getting 5 force and he's getting 12-13 and i get ass raped again. all because i dont know the rules.
0 (-35)
at this point im in the sea of jizz. if you've never heard of this then i'll enlighten you. steve once told me of a report from a magic ptq or something like that. the guy said he lost a game or two and he was in the sea of green.
well here i lost a game and im in the sea of absolute jizz. the stuff you dont prepare for cuz you know if you win you wont play it. but its actually tough in the sea of jizz. i can now see how good players can go 0-3 or 0-4 at big events.
game 3 vs guy's court with ships and stuff
well i get my ass handed to me for like 12 damage in a battle but i hang in. i find ote and throw it down. he cant drain in the ac(he's got like 10 guys there). so he spreads and starts losing to ote. he gets a ship out and im paying for drains. harc seff comes down to block some stuff and im using narrow escapes. i move like all my guys to the ac and he battles for ote. i clear all but 3 of his guys and he moves them away. my next turn i activate all(10) and free han. he remembers his secret plans so i pay 10 and he goes. he drains for a few and then i start damaging with profit. im blocking drains like made with harc seff. eventually he gets another system to drain but my damage is too much for him.
2 (-25?)
game 4 vs guy's mwyhl for scouts on endor
well this game is very uneventful...he never drains until the next to last turn for 1. i flip and he tries to come to my planet but i just run away...what's the point? he cant hurt me cuz of decree/flip so i just drain for 2 for a long time. he plays ote once so i go find my grabber. at this point i dont draw cards i just play with like 3 in my hand. so i win on a 2 drain
4(+1)
game 5 vs camaro rops killa
damn skippy... i already beat this deck the day before so i felt good. opening hand has 0 locations. what the hell is that. so i just look for generics and draw. he puts spdb on my planet and drops like jedi and 2 eloms there. thankfully he didnt have odds or i wouldve lost hard. anyhow he drops order to engage. i eventually flip but ote is hurting me. i get kashyyyk down and he drops capt han on falcon there with no backup. i suspet spiral...eventually he moves that to raltiir to flip me back. every turn he'll flip me but i'll flip back(losing 3 to ote). i grab sense early and eventually get a monnok through for like 8. he's drainin with some sabers and he's got guys at the cantina. i get decree up eventually after i smack han with zuckuss...guess he forgot to save force or something. he flips once with an elom and that gets beat down for 8. eventually it comes down to the wire and im losin to ote but my drains do him in
6(+2)
game 6 vs guys hd with ties
so i absolutely rape this guy. i sac yisyw to get honor and he loses to visage the whole game. i claw his ship to block the drain. 19 epp vaders hit the table and all die a horrible death. profit rapes him
8(+27)
game 7 vs guys bhbm space?
he get super quick 1st turn flip and go from there. drains are huge until he captures luke like 5th turn. he gets a big drain at a system but im just doing way more damage. tessek monks sabers and profit do that. harc seff makes his presence felt again
10(+53)
game 8 vs guys hb with matching pilots
well this is an auto win. i flip...i get all my ships in space running around draining him...i flip and drain him out
12(+79)
SO IM IN. AND NOW WE HEAD TO THE POST GAME WRAPUP.
after the tourney we all head to the hotel where i rack up more phone charges. we get some shoney's and head to build. steve and i are all secretive with our stuff and nobody has a clue.
the decks?
monkey ties and speederholics anonymous
when we get there i show my deck to gary the man and he notices im 3 cards short. so i borrow some from chuck the man and matt the man and im all set
game 1 vs guy rowe's stick it in your yavin
he captures luke and moves him to yavin. i set up a couple speeder beats. i use frozen to prevent his barriers and drop xwings at his system to block his power bonus. speeder then come to rape. i do this several times. i set up the ewok catapult on endor and after i win 3 battles i stack that bastard and turn luke daddy.
2(+7)
game 2 vs steve brentson hb mains
this game is good. i start out ok an i cant find a ghhhk. so he hits me with the falcon for some damage. i use mad retrieval. he cant cancel my sfs twice. eventually my drains do him in
4(+14)
game 3 vs dan bojonowski rops
he flips his @#$% and then i bring the beats. xwings visit rendili. mech failure and 6 speeders wipe out his stuff...he then moves a mech failure walker with arnet and tarkin over to try and cancel mech but misses. he saves 0 force. next turn i bring 5 flapped speeders or 6 maybe and win the game on battle damage
6(+34)
game 4 vs jeremy lamere hb mains
see game 2
8(+39)
game 5 vs guys tigih with space drains
come on man...this @#$% dont fly. so i lateral damage a ship and beat him for 15. then i slowly drain him out. no fun...aaa and pote make an appearance.
10(+59-65ish)
game 6 vs brian hunter
well this game is bad. i get @#$%. i forget my objective's text. he moves mara in and drains for 3 at the hut. where is honor? where is boussh? who knows. so i cant win battles and eventually he wins by 17
so i end up taking 5th with aint too bad.
i gave myself a chance and blew it.
steve played a little scared in the final(imo) but the games were close.
we then leave and go back to the room. the next mornin were up at 6 takin clay to ohare and we finish the journey back to nashville.
AND now the real post game wrapup
Props and Slops
Props
-steve for being a good deck builder
-turner for having some good ideas
-nick for hookin us up with the room
-yannick for being a really cool guy and the n.a. champ
-gary the man for being gary the man
-the chick at the grocery store for knowing that hhh is the man
-chu for stayin yella
-the blow-up doll
-the Brownie
-fitting 7 people in a pontiac bonneville
-gabe for bein the coolest guy i know
slops
-alan for using the blow-up doll
-the chick at the grocery store for not knowing what the hell i meant when i said hhh would be turning face soon
-the sea of jizz for kickin my ass
-steve for driving the wrong way on a one way street
-steve for driving on the wrong side of a 4 lane street
-steve for breakin just about every driving law there is
Clint "GameMaster" Hays
Disclaimer- all the cracks in this TR are jokes and should be taken as such(except the ones about steve's driving...he really does suck ass)