deciphercon-p-e-n-i-s

Title: deciphercon-p-e-n-i-s
Author: Clint "GameMaster" Hays
Date: Oct 31, 2000

Where to begin?

I got some good responses on the whole 3rd person thing but that’s gonna have to be put on hold so I can keep my sanity.

[enter lazy mode]


once again i qualified for worlds by winning the first open of the season. after getting that out of the way i just had to sit and wait again which is not all that bad. of course im lookin to steve for the tech and once again he comes up with some decent stuff. dark wasnt really much of a problem. about a month or so prior to worlds steve had come up with the speeder bike rops deck(on my page) and it was pretty unstoppable. nothing was beating it. however,light side had issues. nothing was really all that good. we had come up with a pretty solid xwing odds deck(on my page) for day 3 but day 2 was an uncertainty. we had some hb decks with matching pilots but that was shaky and i wasnt confident in its ability to beat court. after much debate we decided to trim the odds version down into straight xwings to deceive people. nobody would expect the odds after day 2...so we were confident.

a week prior to the tourney we went to the chinese buffet...we also had DQ...we also had the customary steak dinner...and of course...we had the Brownie at the gay denny’s. we were pretty set for luck.

since i go to school at the university of tennessee i’d be flying out of knoxville for the tourney. that kinda sucked since i’d be all alone and im afraid of the dark. but anyhow...i get to school sunday before worlds and realize i left my electronic ticket at home. i dont really need it but i like to have it so i tell my pop to mail that @#$%. after looking at it he tells me my flight is on wednesday. uh? i got some exams on wednesday and im planning on flyin out thursday since that’s what i told the dumbass chick at garris(or gravis if you’re gary carman) travel. somehow she @#$%ed up my flight. so my dad has to try to get it changed. and they end up charging us $150 for me to fly out of nashville. that’s 2.5 hours away and that @#$%in sucks my left nut.

i get bored so i go down to the little shop and buy a couple of sharpies. they are fun so i start blackin out my cards. i get about 30 of them done in my dark deck including dlots. looks really @#$%in cool. you gotta try it.

wednesday i go take an exam and then get ready for some football. flag football is the @#$%. our team kicks the hell out of some @#$%in frat boys and make them cry. we won on the mercy rule cuz the little @#$%in morons couldnt @#$%in score on us. so we didnt even get to play the whole game. what a bunch of pussies.

so i get about 3 hours sleep and then get in the car and drive home.

i head to the airport and catch a flight to good ole orlando. when i get there im lookin down around baggage for a deciphercon sign. well i walk all over and ask multiple people where they are. they keep tellin me different stuff. so i look around for like 10 minutes and finally see a lady right where she was supposed to be. only she wasnt there the first 10 times i walked by. eventually they set me up with a ride and i get on all alone...being afraid of the dark is bad. eventually shannon baksa(nice breastesses) joins me and i see this goofy lookin bastard named alex klammrodt. he asks me my name and im like "dont you know who i am?"

he bows down to my greatness and i talk tech.

im wishin he’d shut up though. im too busy thinkin about how cool this day is gonna be. im meeting joe alread and were headin to disney world to check out the hot 12 yr olds.

once we arrive i find the gaming area and talk to some peeps. i eat the @#$%tiest lunch with steve brentson, charlie herren, and bongo... bongo and i talk some tech and eventually we get into a discussion about brentson’s deck. bongo thinks its good but i say its ass. so we make a bet. if i can beat it bongo has to give me head. if i lose i have to play the damn deck the next day at worlds. fortunately i wreck it.

bongo and i find a quiet place. being afraid of the dark sucks. so i head back to the damn gaming room. im playing some last man standing and mikey g. tells me he got dq’d. he’s like guess who else...im like steve? he like damn right. so that sucks. im feelin bad for steve cuz he’s the man and doesnt deserve it. but damn he is @#$%in stupid. he cant count and stuff.

so then i see joe alread and im like where you been and he tells me he’s sick and cant go. @#$% you joe.

so then im standing in line for some autos with like 30 aurra sings in hand. when i get up there im like...yo...ive got a bet with this guy...i need your digits...and she’s like how much is the bet? im like $5...she’s like ok...i also get an ishi tib signed "golden tee" and some monty python card signed "best wishes" for brentson. i then go brag about getting michonne whatever the hell her last name is(nice breastesses) phone number(which earns me $5). later i would go back to get one signed "jonny chu is the hottest asian around" and another one signed "to steve...too bad you can’t count" as a favor to some peeps.

steve and i leave and walk about a mile to this shoneys. after eating we head back. chu and scott show up at the pad and chu got dq’d after game 7. sucks to be chu. being afraid of the dark is major ass. so i get chu’s advice on this xwing crap and its lookin pretty good.

next day we show up and get to work.


worlds day 1

game 1 light side vs karl sundberg endor ops

i think that’s his name. whatever...i get some systems out and put lots of ships to endor to drain for 1. im blockin all his drains on the ground with spies and honor so i dont bother flipping. eventually he commits a couple ships to a system like yavin so i deploy kessel, move all my xwings there and flip. i start draining for a steady 3. he gets more ships out but then i cover kiffex. he isnt drain except for an occasional 3. i eventually retrieve 10 off all wings. he’s probin all the low parsecs but that aint the base. he brings flagship to endor and i say nope...he drops jendon and moves to endor. the next turn i hit him for 22 battle damage and end the game. sucks to be him

FW 2 (+21)


game 2 dark side vs raphael asselin mwyhl afa @#$%

well prior to the game beginning i drop out my starting stuff. rapheal notices that every single card i start with is blacked out(only numbers and letters are visible). he’s like "that’s not legal"...im like yeah it is...he’s like it cant be i want to get a ruling....im like i already asked juz yesterday and its legal...he’s like judge...im like ok...he’s like i cant see the picture i might forget about it and it hurt me...im like yeah that’s the idea, and its legal...finally after asking juz the unofficial judge tells raphael its legal. the funniest part was when butch branscombe is standing behind raphael and he’s like "that’s weird"...i just kinda laugh

on to the game...raphael inserts plenty of times...i get set up relatively quick but he gets draw their fire out and plays the same frozen assets like 3 times to hit me with epps. he cancels s+d due to my carelesses protecting it. i cant find the executor or barich to set up a force at carida so i dont drain much. eventually i go to space with 3 bh ships but he drops the super falcon and rids himself of all but zuckuss. order to engage inflicts damage as i run away every turn but ive got potf on raltiir so im draining each turn. however im very low on force and he eventually out damages me.

FL 2 (+2)


game 3 dark vs jim li’s hidden base mains and stuff i guess

i flip second turn with biker on a bike at the docking bay...biker on a bike at the swamp...and emperor with overseeing it at the prefects office...damn that’s good....so he comes down with some jabroni’s but that doesnt really work cuz ive got all sorts of stuff to battle him. we have some skirmishes but high speed tactics is good and draining with overseeing it is good too. he cant do a whole lot and i win very easily

FW 4 +20-30 i think


game 4 light side vs ryan christian court

i get out quick and block his drains with projections. i sac insight to get honor first turn to avoid court damage. im drainin for 1 he’s drainin for nothing. eventually i move all my stuff to kessel and flip...he twileks for sec prec and deploys it without activating. i dont allow him to go back. eventually he starts to probe the low parsecs. im still drainin for 3 at kessel and he isnt draining at all. search and destroy comes down but i retrieve off the wings. i shoot dengar and play legendary to do more damage. he comes to kessel to probe and that’s game. xwings got good power.

FW 6(+40 or 50)


so right now im in 6th place and it turns out i get to play the man


game 5 light vs gary carman set your course space stuff

i start puttin lots of xwings out. i get like 6 wings and red leader to haven yavin. he drops flagship...the deploy cheap AO, lord vader, tarkin, godhert, ozzel, dengar, and maybe like a dreadnaught. he wrecks my ship. he also drops something special planned for them so i start paying lots to move away. i eventually flip but he probes on the 3rd try. this however buys me time. he chases me and i run away. i eventually retrieve 10ish off the wings. eventually he moves dengar with some other ships in front of an xwing with a cannon. i shoot dengar and get rid of some stuff letting me drop legendary on a wing. eventually i get a ship to kessel to try and drain for 3. he comes down with stuff but its not enough. now he’s chasing me. the forest comes down to kiffex with epp obi and i start draining for free. it works and i pull out a close one.

FW 8(+60ish)


game 6 dark side vs john arendt hidden base

he comes to raltiir quick to prevent me from flipping. however, he doesnt have a barrier for zuckuss so i flip 3rd turn and land zuckuss. eventually i get out all 6 sites with bikers on bikes and like mara with saber at one. he flips and i get out security precautions. he’s holding raltiir with rue so he’s draining me for one and then he moves some ships to kessel to drain for 2. i throw down the emperor on his shuttle to like bothawui and probe unsuccesfully but that’s gonna let me drain for free. i eventually get the executor with barich and another biker in front of some ships at raltiir and start adding 7 to my destinies. he gets a surprise assault off for 7. i eventually beat him off the system and win on some battle damage cuz he just left a ship there for some odd reason.

FW 10(+60-70)


game 7 dark side vs steve brentson court

what an uneventful game. he come to raltiir early and we fight with me winning. i set up and flip. he flips. we’re having a very interactive game. he drains for a couple and profits. i drain for some. i set up overseeing it. i take dlots with a saber to the cantina. he brings guys to my planet but i drop relentless tracking on harc seff i think. i eventually kill all those guys and win on some battle damage again.

FW 12(+75ish)


game 8 light side vs raphael asselin bhbm


i set up quick and block his drains with projections. eventually i flip the objective and start draining him at kessel. i give him luke like 3rd turn and he’s losing to bhbm the entire game. he’s hitting me for a few every turn with search and destroy and an occasional drain. he probes every system but kessel. i get down to like 6 cards but i finally find my other all wings and retrieve 13 off the wings. he never went to duel luke because i got honor quick and i win by 15

FW 14(+89 i think)


so i win day 2(go figure).


so after that’s over i go up and we get a picture taken and steven turner asks "has anybody ever seen clint happier?" im pretty sure the answer was yes because i wasnt even smiling in the photo. i was all business.


so after that crap was over we’re gonna head to denny’s and get the damn mother @#$%in Brownie. matt sokol asks if he can come along and he’s a pretty cool guy so we allow him.

mistake #1. go read the revised Brownie rules and you’ll see what i mean. matt sokol causes the first addition to the rules ever.

when we hop in the car i make a comment that i still stand by. i say "im surprised you made it to day 3." after all he did take 36th place on day 1. so then i kinda take that back and say "well...im not really surpised i guess...i just didnt expect you to make it. " which i didnt. i mean come on he got 36th place on the easiest day of the event. so he doesnt really say much to that but whatever. we get to the place and we order some food.

shortly thereafter we’re like "5 of these" and the waiter is like "5?" and were like "yeah you heard us @#$%" so he tells this hispanic lookin guy to go get us some Brownies and were like hurry the @#$% up julio its 2 am.

so we start eating and of course i just absolutely rape the Brownie. im done within 2 or 3 minutes and sokol is struggling. so we start telling him he has to eat it all and i occasionally point to a large glob of chocolate syrup on his plate and say "you gotta eat that too." well he just kinda looks sick. he had ordered a salad and ate like 2 bites and now he’s tryin to tackle the Brownie and it aint lookin good. so we keep talkin smack to him about how the Brownie is wippin his @#$% and stuff. and finally he just gives up. I guess he kinda sat there thinking about it and after a couple minutes realized what had just happened. he had just condemned himself to lose the next day. so he finally gets some balls and takes his spoon up and forces himself to eat the last 5 bites.

as we’re leaving he says he’s gonna hit the bathroom. and when he comes back we all know what happened. he had hurled the Brownie.

what the @#$% is up with this? matt sokol forces me to make another addition to the Brownie eating rules? that’s insane.

so we finally get back and i fix my decks up for the next day. i change a few cards in the rops deck to be able to handle the quebecer’s light deck and for light im playing the most teched out version of hidden base odds ever(look at my site if you want it).

so we get some sleep and wake up the next day to head out and win some @#$%in plates or some @#$%.


we get there and im extremely nervous.

game 1 light vs matt sokol isb

he starts the damn odds effect so i kinda gotta sit for a while. i drop jedi luke vs ts3 but he plays projective. im doin a bit of damage and just kinda waiting for him to sac the effect. ive got 17 in my hand with an odds on the 4th turn. but he’s lucky. he draws s+d early on. i eventually flip and try to drain some but he’s got a damn agent on like every planet and he’s cancelling the kessel drains with ors. he’s draining for a good bit on the ground with like 1 agent everywhere. he looks through his deck for a docking bay and sec prec is there so im thinkin i have a chance but he just twileks for it. he then probes and i lose force. for some reason i dont barrier his ship and he lands it. i cant handle a drain of 10 so i lose pretty quick after that.

0 (-24) i think


game 2 dark side vs paul todd feldman hidden base

i get out pretty quick. he drops ships to raltiir to prevent the flip. i drop zuckuss when he doesnt have a barrier and flip. he’s got battle plan so i eventually wait til he flips. i think put executor to coruscant with sec prec probing and battle him off that system. he never comes there again. he moves his stuff to kessel and is draining for 2. he’s got a surprise assault and lots of high destinies so i have to be careful about where i drain with bikes. he lost in the wilderness mara so that kinda sucked. i eventually put a presence with the executor to boost my drain capability. i then throw down overseeing it personally(he thinks its presence cuz its blacked out) and start draining him for 8 or so. ive also got ability x 3 workin for me at this point. he waits too late to spread out and it hurts him. finally he does and i wait for the perfect time to drop emperors shuttle to kessel and probe(note to kids...cover your hidden base indicator...card backs are easily read). this causes him like 8 force or something and i drain him out like a turn later.

2(-17) i think


game 3 light side vs rapheal asselin bhbm


what can i say. he packed for me. he lets me draw some cards and then monnoks me for 3 orgy and 3 wings. he comes to space and i stupidly move all my wings to kessel instead of sullust which is the base. so i dont beat him down. he never puts down vader so i dont get to make him lose force. i get odds in but it never pops....

2(-whole lots....like 45ish)


game 4 dark side vs brian rippetoe yavin 4

he comes to the ds2db quick but i stop that @#$%. he then pays a lot to transit but i flip. this game consists of him losing force to tint and me beating the @#$% out of him on my planet.

i win by 25ish in about 10 minutes

4(-lots)


so i end up with 8th place

i then go find steve and we head in with joe alread and watch the trek final. steve and i play the penis game which cracks us and joe the hell up. steve then makes some gurglin noise as eric johnfauno drinks his coke which also cracks us up. eventually the guy pull some @#$% move to win and we await the star wars final.

it is announced by myself that we will be playing the penis game during this final as well.

explanation for you numbnuts out there that never went to high school.

PENIS GAME RULES
1) prior to the game a number of participants will be decided upon and those participants will be given an order in which to take turns.
2) the first participant will say "penis" as silently or loudly as he/she pleases
3) the next participant must then say "penis" as silently or loudly as he/she pleases as long as it is louder than the previous participant
4) the game ends when somebody tells the most recent participant to "shut the @#$% up"
5) the winner is the participant who said "penis" the loudest without being told to "shut the @#$% up"

so during the first game we start playing and the game is funny @#$%. we’ve got 4 rows or so rolling. and im like "PENIS". extremely loud. you can go to decipher’s page and watch the streaming video. at approximately 5:37ish you can barely hear me say it. immediately after i say it mark tuttle says "and we’ll ask the crowd only once to settle down."

so we do until game 2 of the duel. just keep watchin cuz at 1:10:57ish you can hear me say it again and its @#$%in loud as @#$%. PENIS

well they send jim colson over to tell me to leave. so im the first person ever ejected from a final duel. how cool is that?

anyway sokol pulls it out of his @#$% some how and the twiggs prove themselves complete jackasses once again.

too bad they’ll never do anything themselves.


we head to sea world for dinner and i get to sit next to the man on the bus. why did we go to sea world? we walked in. we ate in a banquet hall. we got some trophies and we left. what was the point of putting us on a bus for an hour?

so we head back they get a sealed deck for the top 12. on the way to this i say something to bastian about being a f_aggot. he’s like "what ish thish f_aggot you keep speaking of? is it good or bad?" so im like "bastian you’re a f_aggot." and he’s like "shanks." so we all start dying laughin at his stupidity. so then im like "yo bastian sphyncter says what." and he’s like "what?" HAHAHAHA. so i find martin falke and im like "yo martin you’ve got a @#$%for on your face." and he’s like "what is a @#$% for?" and im like @#$%in you moron. a @#$% is for @#$%in.

what a bunch of dumbasses those germans are.


the next day is pretty uneventful. nothin happens and then i leave. what a waste of @#$%in time.


i guess you kept readin for the props and slops that make people famous so here goes



Props
-jonnychu for being the hottest @#$%in asian around(at least that’s what michonne told me)
-matt sokol for causing 2 new Brownie eating rules
-matt sokol for getting the best luck ever(you can’t win worlds without it)
-gary carman for being the man
-steve for comin up with some pretty good decks
-michonne for havin nice breastesses
-gabe for being the coolest guy i know(sometimes)
-prasnatch for the $5
-mark tuttle for bein the coolest damn mc ever and for makin me famous
-me for being the first person ever ejected from a final duel
-me for winning the tourney where skill counts
-bastian and martin for being complete morons and giving everybody a good laugh

Slops
-steve for failing 3rd grade mathematics
-jim for getting some bad luck and losing
-gabe for dissin the xwing deck
-decipher for letting 38 random people play in my tournament
-hayes hunter for being a @#$%in @#$%
-joe alread for gettin sick and backin out of disney world
-me for losing the PENIS game



that’s it


Clint "GameMaster" Hays




there aint no disclaimer. i meant every word i said