mega-1-a-great-large
Title: mega-1-a-great-large
Author: Clint "GameMaster" Hays
Date: Nov 17, 2000
[enter lazy mode]
i got this message from mikey on icq tellin me all about this mega tournament deal about a month after worlds. so im like yeah im in. so i talk to steve and convince him to fly all the way out to phoenix and kick the @#$% out of brian hunter. so we arrange to stay at the home of mike and things are lookin good.
after i was screwed out of worlds i was lookin to redeem myself at this little tourney they called mega. so me and steve playtest a few times and decks are lookin pretty solid. i drive home thursday afternoon and head over to steve’s house. we go get the chinese buffet and the Brownie so we’re pretty set.
that evening we go to the airport to catch some planes. when we get there the guy is like "you aint got no seats on the flight from st louis to phoenix, so you gots ta go get em when ya get there." so we like ok. so we get to st louis and go to the desk and the lady is like...i’ll be right back. and we like damn hurry up we aint got all day. and she’s like you two look familiar. and we like dont you know who we are? and she like ok hold on. so 5 minutes later she comes back and like "you be in first class." and we like damn skippy.
so we the first mofos on the plane and were makin fun of all these bastards. and this old lady is like "first time in first class?" and we like no, we just pulled some favors to get up here. and she like well my dad is the vice president of this airline. and im like well my dad is the president so BAM.
well apparently the flight is overbooked so they have to ask people to get off. finally this one guy gets on way late. he’s got a first class ticket but im in his seat. damn. whatever will i do. so i tell this dip@#$% i was here first and to get his @#$% back to coach where he belongs. he starts complaining to the flight attendant but she’s like know your role @#$%. i really thought he was gonna cry.
so after a boring 3 hour flight we finally get to phoenix around midnight or something like that and we see mike girard and geoff schnider. they drive us over to the pad where kevin shannon and clayton atkins are already waiting. when we get there i decide i want to have some fun so i bust out deadbolt and kick some @#$% with it.
after about 4 hours of this we decide to hit the sack. kevin has some sick doggy fetish so he decides to sleep on the mike’s dogs’ beds. that’s kinda sick. im on the floor and clay has the couch. steve got some couch in this other room and geoff has a bed in a room all to himself. well i aint got a pillow so im like damn i need one. i walk into geoff’s room to find one but i cant. and there’s no light either. so im like i cant find the light. geoff like "uhm." so clay and kev are like you gotta clap, its a clapper. so i start clapping really loud but nothing. cept geoff is like what the @#$% is goin on? im like i need a pillow but i cant see there’s no light. so clay and kev remind me that you gotta clap so i do again and geoff is like @#$% here’s one. so finally i have a pillow. but i cant sleep cuz clay is a @#$%in bulldozer. somebody needs to get him some help. im surpised he can sleep through that. so i get a little sleep here and there but not much.
we finally get up and leave around 2 and we head to denny’s for some lunch. clay does his usual coffee trick but that’s @#$% so kevin and i decide to play the penis game. PENIS. we get some odd looks from a couple of old dudes, but some hot girlies there were impressed by our shenanigans.
around 6 we start up a little tourney.
after 3 games steve and i decide that this tourney is @#$% and we’re hungry. so we get brian garrison to go eat with us since he has a car. brian’s a cool guy and is responsible for the funniest scene ever at applebee’s so we convince him to take us there. we sit down and order and everything is pretty uneventful until we leave. were heading out and steve and i are walkin to this car we think is garrisons but he walks past it. im like damn i thought that was your car and steve is like me too. steve is like "it looked like somebody broke into your car and gave you stuff!" this is by far the funniest thing ive ever heard in my life and its good for a cheap laugh at almost any time.
so after we finally get back to the damn store we start talkin about what decks were gonna use the next day. we’re both playing an agents speeder deck with some ithorian tech. for dark we have multiple good decks. however the best 2 use odds. so steve and i decide to play different decks so people dont catch on. he’s gonna play hunt down odds and im playing bhbm tie odds.
so we go back to the pad and get some much needed rest. this time i hit the floor in steve’s room and we open the window to let in some of the cool phoenix night air and we’re out. around 7 oclock mike is opening the door sayin he needs some cards or something. so were like not yet. and we sleep once again. 15 minutes later mike wakes us up again saying its time to go. this happens over and over until around 8 when mike is pretty upset with us. so finally we get up and head out for this mega shindig thing or whatever the hell its called.
i guess this is probably what you’ve been waiting for?
game 1 light side vs charles hickey hdadtj
well i get a decent hand and ive got 2 flaps down quick. he’s like you cant have two but i point out the non-uniqueness to him. good thing cuz he had alters. so he sets up vader on the executor docking bay while i amass some speeders in my hand. ive got speeders at a couple of docking bays to get some activation going. i set up a drain on endor docking bay i think. at this point ive got a signal in hand. ive also got 5 sandspeeders and 2 rebel snowspeeders in hand. he deploys tarkin with vader and moves em to the death star docking bay. i signal for incom and deploy it along with activating flaps. he loses vader tarkin and like 15 or something. the rest of the game is pretty boring. i drain him with more speeders and battle his guys a little. not much goin on there.
FW 2(+16)
game 2 dark side vs some guy with tigih and matching ships or something
he aint doin much. i drop emperor to stop his activation and he moves luke out. i get vader down like a turn later and transfer with vader moving to the cc docking bay. i start losing 1 a turn. he gets a couple ships to his kashyyyk but im blocking that drain with the dreaded fleet. im draining him for small amounts on the ground. eventually emperor moves into the hut when activation isnt needed but he’s using icbw to stop some of that. he leaves glig1, tala 2 with blount and tantive with melas at a system while the super falcon goes elsewhere. i finally get a dread so it comes down and so does a lat damage on the tantive. i drop 3 or 4 ties and a cannon and shoots down both of his ships. he houjixes but ive cleared him from space. epp obi comes down but he’s having to chase the emeror because of barrier. ive got a circle in hand but fear courage so i wait. eventually he moves epp obi, artoo, and ds2 wedge to my cc docking bay to face vader. vader beats obi, chokes artoo, hits wedge and makes him lose 6 cards. i drain him out not too long after that
FW 4(+32)
at this point steve and i are both 4(+32) so there is a very good chance we will play
but there were an odd number of people above us so we escape
game 3 light side vs johnny somethin who was using bhbm with big drains on endor
well weve both got sites on endor so i decide to just let him put his out and i’ll save mine for a drain or something. i get a good opening hand with tk422 and boussh so this game is going ok. nothing happens early. were both setting up and he drops some stuff on endor. i drop tk422 to block the drain. his next turn he puts more guys to a drain site on endor. i drop boussh to block this drain. eventually he comes with vader so i give him luke to cause some damage. he takes him over and starts dueling and i cant find destinies so im losing most of them. eventually i put a few speeders here and there to do a little draining while im blocking his drains. at one point ive got mech failure(he’s got tempest 1 with ozzel on it at a site with his other stuff) anda whole lot of speeders in hand. ive got 2 asp droids moving around on endor to scare him. eventually he moves all his stuff together at the site where my vehicles are power +1. so i bring a few power 7 speeders and a few power 6 speeders a hit him in a battle. he has to run so i get more drains. eventually he just cant take the drains.
FW 6(+40something)
game 4 dark side vs steven lewis speeders
well since we know what each other is playing we play accordingly. he doesnt even start yarna against me. but he does start odds defense. so that’s two games now with no odds. oh well. i put the emperor down to the cc docking bay 1st turn to get a drain in. at some point on like the first two turns he goes for a docking bay and there isnt one and i verify. i count 14 speeders so that means that out of the 8 or so in force/used and the 8 or so in hand there are 4 speeders. the emperor drains twice on cc before making his way over to the death star(2 that is). so vader helps him out. i dig for some stuff. basically i need to get kashyyyk, sullust, endor, 2 potf, and vader’s saber. i get endor out with a tie there. from the very first turn i had dreaded fleet to block a drain so i would use the tie on the fleet and deploy it each turn to retrieve a card. i get the emperor and vader + saber to the throne room with a potf. he deploys boussh there and then breaks her cover. he deploys jedi luke to the home one docking bay and i barrier. he moves leia to the docking bay. the next turn he loses 3 to your destiny. the main problem was i had to dig for sullust and the 2nd potf so im stuck with like 5 or 6 cards in reserve. the final set up looks like this. boussh is at ds2 db. vader and emperor are at the throne room. he’s got an ithorian at 2 endor sites all by themselves. he’s got a speeder at an endor site. he’s got luke at the cc db. he’s got 1 speeder on each tatooine sites(2 total). ive got 1 tie at endor, kashyyyk, and sullust but im fortifying off the fleet so i can retrieve a card. eventually ive got a short range in hand but he comes with tk to the throne room. i play the short range and force lightning tk. this leaves me with no short range. but i can still win. on my turn i deploy the sword or the shield to the ds2 db and retrieve 3. i deploy an interceptor there to retrieve 1. at this point i have enough cards where he’s going to drain me for all but 1. he does so and then drops 1 of his 2 cards in hand which happens to be dtf. game. in retrospect the squadron shouldve come down free instead of the 3 i paid and the interceptor for 1 instead of the 2 i paid. guess i should read that card huh. anyway i wouldve been able to drain short range. also i couldve put the interceptor to the endor docking bay and i wouldve won there as well. oh well.
FL 6(+40something)
game 5 dark side vs chris levine? profit deck
this guy is goofy. he’s wearing a hat but not really. odd character. somehow he finished ahead of me in the final standings so he must be ok or he just got good matchups. i’ll go with matchups. i get a decent start and he aint got any odds defense. i insert for like 12 or 13 i think and he activates a few without it popping. he alters my dreaded fleet losing 3(with epp leia) and then frees han. ive got vader with saber and potf on cc db. emperor and tech more are hiding out on the ds(2 that is). some ties are going to space to drain and its apparent that he only has 1 ship. and that’s not doing anything. im hitting him for good amounts. he activates and odds pops so he loses like 9 i think or 10. lando with vibro and an undercover block vader’s drain. and luke with a gun comes out to tatooine. i transit vader over to tatooine to pick up luke because he stupidly put out a docking bay for me. thus i avoid 3 damage a turn. eventually i get another odds in and near the end of the game i decide to go duel to make it pop quicker. he’s doing damage but im doing more and i end up winning fairly easily.
FW 8(+50 or 60 something)
game 6 is light side vs clayton atkins cct skrillings.
he’s hooked on this deck even though it sucks ass. this game was long so i’ll try to remember as much as i can. i know he’s playing odds so i start ultimatum(i picked this over the odds card because i was afraid of ev-9d9). well im scared of inserts and all and first turn he drops garindan and 2 skrillings to the security tower and inserts. my turn i activate and get a docking bay. i drop flaps i think and throw some speeders down to his cc docking bay. his turn he doesnt do anything. my turn i activate and it pops. im like i lose 2(ultimatum). he was shocked he forgot he needed a battleground. so he gets another odds in. i figure out i need to activate like 7 or 8 to get my 3 BGs. i do so and it doesnt pop. so now ive got 2 speeders at 3 different sites(endor db, cc db, and the entrance cavern). he eventually moves the guys from the tower to the carbon chamber to drain. he also gets vader and a skrilling or two to the cantina. he also deploys pote and some guys to the audience chamber. its a drain race. ive got an ithorian on endor so that’s helping. i also get another tatooine site going so there’s no way he’ll ever knock me off enough BGs to get the odds working. however he is still putting them in so im losing. every turn i pay 9-12 to drain him for like 5 or 6. he’s paying like 6 to drain me for 3. im trying to retrieve a damn ithorian. sometimes i am sometimes im not. he eventually ornaments for like 7 and deploys his den. so its lookin really tight. one crucial mistake he made near the middle of the game was asking me what my power was at a site(during my turn). i didnt drain there any more after that. i eventually get him down with battle order where he cant drain and i can. i won by 6
FW 10(+70ish)
game 7 dark side vs ben "i dont like your inserts, cuz im a @#$%in @#$%" robinson ebo
this guy is a piece of @#$%. funny @#$% too.
so we start playing and he starts the odds effect. so i got tech more in opening hand and i draw an odds quick so im waiting for him to sack the effect. but he doesnt. i get vader to the cc docking bay and he makes a decision. instead of putting luke on hoth(best move) he puts luke with vader and vader takes him to duel. ben is obviously a dumb@#$% cuz he doesnt understand how the dueling process works. on one of his turns he puts a moncal with a few pilots to hoth after ebo is set. im blocking a drain with the fleet. so im dueling and i find a 6 and a 2. so instead of using them again i try the 6 and the unknown card above it. it happens to be 3720 to 1. so after the duel he loses 3 force and sacs the odds effect to go get battle plan(im draining for 2 at the throne room). on my next turn i drop tech insert and put some stuff to endor to get more drains/satisfy battle plan. he’s like battle plan hurt me why did i do that. and the whole game after i insert he’s like...i knew your strategy why did i do that. i end up winning by 28 or something.
FW 12(+99 i think)
so after the game he’s like "i like your strategy but i dont like your odds. i think you may have won without them but i still encourage you not to play cheesy inserts."
so im like "you’re a @#$% man. you’re a @#$%in stupid @#$% who drops the effect when you knew i was playing odds. you had protection so i dont feel bad about it at all. so shut your @#$%in @#$% mouth."
what a piece of @#$% that guy is. he’s gotta be the dumbest bastard alive.
game 8 light side vs brian hunter abyssins
well thanks to girard messing up the pairing in game 7(i was supposed to be light in which case i wouldve avoided abyssins) i get an auto lose here. i drop some stuff but he drops bigger drains. i cant hang with his drains. i get undercover spies but bubo eats cuz that’s what bubo does. he cancels 2 drains a turn and drains for like 8. and he never come outside. so i lose hard. but not because of any skillful maneuever. it was all in the matchup. brian played well. we each made 1 mistake during the game. but it all came down to the fact that my deck could beat his deck played correctly 1 out of 100 if i was lucky.
FL 12(+75ish)
so i end up getting 5th.
after we get prize support steve and i go to denny’s with this guy(sorry dont remember his name). but he was cool. we shot the @#$% for a while and then head back for the final confrontation.
i pulled an emperor in my prize support so the day wasnt a complete waste.
once we get back we go sit in this room. we find out that kevin won game 1 and we watch game 2. we just sit there and make fun of these bastards the entire time.
Im the funniest bastard there but steve is a close second. the thing is i understand how it works and steve is catching on. to successfully make fun of these guys there are 2 key rules to follow.
rule 1- you never use your normal voice. you have to come up with a goofy fake voice.
rule 2- you always make fun of them by assuming their identity. example..."my name’s kevin shannon and (insert crack here)."
that’s how it works
i understand this and steve is catchin on quick so were just dissin these bastards and crackin the whole place up.
after kevin wins we walk outside and van melachon, craft, and tim mcknight pull up. they are all drunk and van is muttering some jibberish about how he made a phone call and for $300 some girls are coming over to their hotel room.
we’re like whatever and we leave. since i decide not to play the next day i help steve with decks.
next day we show up.
so we’re talkin to hunter and craft and hunter is like "i had so much fun last night." and they are bustin on each other some and craft is like "at least i dont have to pay for mine." and so now we know its true. what van was talkin about the night before wasnt jibberish.
after the tourney starts we watch some stupid games for awhile and eric olson and i go eat at blimpies. since he isnt playing either we decide to go see a movie. steve goes 2-2 and decides to drop. so he goes with us. we get brian garrison to haul our asses down to the theatre about 5 miles away. he gives us a cell and we supposed to call when were done. so after much debate about what movie to watch(and realizing steve’s watch is still on tennessee time) we choose lost souls.
THAT MOVIE IS @#$%.
dont ever watch it. its about this guy who these catholic people believe is going to become the anti-christ. throughout the movie they introduce these weird events and they never explain it to you. at the end you find out that the guys entire family was in on it and they were wanting him to become the antichrist. at the very end wynona ryder has a gun and he tells her to shoot him. well the clock ticks time for him to turn and nothing happens. so he’s like "put the gun down." but then you see the clock tick 666 and she blows his head in. and that’s the end. and it was @#$%in stupid.
so we head outside and call garrison. while we wait we see these kids and one of them is chad mccory’s little brother. damn that kid was chad mccory. anyway their running around the parking lot playing tag. and we’re like steve throw a penny at them. i tell steve i’ll give him $5 if he hits one with a penny. so he starts hurling them but steve isnt very athletic and he misses like a @#$%head.
oh well.
so we head back and catch the final duel. man this @#$% was funny.
"my name’s brian hunter and im a @#$%got bastard with a gay leather jacket."
"my name’s brian garrison and i like to masterbate while watching final duels."(he had his hands all over his @#$%)
"congratulations to kevin shannon who just set a record for the worlds longest activate phase"(this drew a "you’re #1" sign from kevin...if ya know what i mean)
so these are just a few of the hilarious comments. this game is taking forever because shannon takes 10 minutes to decide how many force to activate on the 3rd turn.
so at one point steve once again proves himself worthy.
he’s like, "my name’s kevin shannon and i like it when its my turn cuz i get a woody"
it was steve not me. im jealous that i didnt think of it.
it was @#$%in hilarious. we’re rolling.
"it looks like somebody broke into your car and gave you stuff"
so were kinda complainin to mike about the length of the game and to tell them to hurry up cuz were hungry. and he’s like "WAH. DO YOU WANT ME TO CALL THE WAHMBULANCE? THE NUMBER IS 9 WAHNE WAHNE."
pretty funny stuff. props to mikey.
so we’re finally done and we head to this chinese buffet. its @#$%. this place aint got good food and they dont refill when they run out. but we see the funniest thing ever. there is this large chinese family of like 10 people of all ages eating there. and with them is this one white guy who is like mid 30s i’d say. well he aint talkin much. and he aint dressed too sharp either. so when they leave i see him. and he’s crackin me up. he’s carrying a kiddie cup. you know the kind with the lid so he cant spill it on himself. and its got a pikachu straw. and its his cuz he’s drinkin out of it. DAMN FUNNY.
PIKACHU!
so we finally leave for the airport and the rest dont really matter.
PROPS AND SLOPS
Props
-mike girard for the hospitality
-gabe alonso for being the coolest guy i know(sometimes)
-steve for being funny as hell
-kevin for beating hunter
-hunter for being a decent guy and an ok player
-garrison for being a taxi service
-clay for 7-0
Slops
-hunter(we all know why)
Clint "GameMaster" Hays
Disclaimer- any and all cracks in this TR were intended as jokes and should be taken as such.