normal-illinois-2-17-2001

Title: normal-illinois-2-17-2001
Author: Geoff "gsiva" Snider
Date: Feb 19, 2001

okay so, there was this kid who played me ...and i won...and ...

just kidding.

so it was like ...round 1 and i played this guy who was running honorable tattooed dragon beefy attack. he keeps attacking me, and i keep favoring his guys home, and killing the rest. he’s like "wedge" and i’m like "favor" and he’s like "this says YOU CANNOT TARGET THIS UNIT WITH ACTIONS" and i’m like "this says Y O U cannot target this unit with actions (pointing at him)" and he’s like "oh" and he died.

so it was like ...round 2 and i played this other dude who had like...dreadlox and stuff and he looked at me and was like "crabs?" and i said "you’re toast b1tch" and he was like "i’ll phoenix FETA all over your a$$" and i was like "sure." so i went second...played breach, and got the Phoenix sword with Imperial gift, and then i played it and he only had like...2 guys in his deck which could come into play with a - honor requirement so i won...and norikazu died to ENOUGH TALK!!! YEAH!!! die.

so it was like ...round 3 and i played this other dude who was playing like..this crappy toturi’s army deck. how did i know he wasn’t so great? who piles like EVERY FOLLOWER on one guy? noone. so this guy is busy taking provinces because i cannot draw a duel for the life of me. and then? and then i save up my military for one last stand...and he attacks (i’m at like 30 honor) and he plays sneak attack/stand against the waves and bows like 2 of my guys, but i still have a BIG BEEFY RAT, who plays FOCUS to tactician for 4, box to double that, then wedge the unit (which also contained the hida house guard)...

so he died...(but i almost died because i can’t f ucking count)

so it was like ...round 4 and i get to play this dude who just pulled a 4th turn victory on the dude before me. i’m like "how’d you do that" and he’s like "unexpected for akuma" and i was like "whoa that’s heavy" and he was like "why? is there a problem with the earth’s gravitational pull in 1985?" and i’m like "dude...lemme cut your deck" but i didn’t cut his dynasty deck because i saw "there is no hope" on the bottom of the deck while he was shuffling, and i thought that Iris festival would clinch this one for me. he says "okay, i’ll cut my own deck" and i’m like "whatever" so he’s like ...TAKE THE INITIATIVE and i’m like "whoa" and he says "unexpected allies" and i’m thinking that he must be freakin’ cheatin’. so he takes a province quick...then another...but it all boils down to KUNI MOTHERFUK1N YASASHI getting the command staff, box, wedge, gain like 30 honor. he was like "whoa that was a big dude" and i’m like "screw you and your cheatin’ ways goo boy!"

so it was like ...round 5 and i get to play against boris who always runs a crappy dishonor deck that gets AWESOME draws against me (i think he must run 5 breaches of etiquette in that thing) and to boot, he’s like..running spirits. i keep chugging along and doing nothing, and he like...plays breach 2x on turn 2 and that’s like annoying me to death. so he plays like a moron but still beats me because i CANNOT GET A FUKING SHINSEI SHRINE TO SAVE MY A$$! so i’m pissed and i lose to a moronic bolshevik.

so it was like ...round 6 and i have to face another "shrine of the spirits" player and his name is mikey colson (a good cool guy who i always have a close game with) and i lose because it’s always close and he has some card to pull it out of his ass.

so i’m like..in the finals with CRABS!@! (again...this is some surprise to alot of people who are like "what the hell is in that deck?" and i’m like "beef" and they’re like "whoa")

so who do i play again? that fuk1ng bolshevik f@ggot boris.

so i lose because he draws 3 breaches in his opening hand and is like "hey breach...breach breach breach" and i’m like "you have to be running like 5 or 6 of those things. motherfu ker.

so i’m out...losing to badly played decks. i mean what should i expect while playing crabs? not much i guess...and to boot there is 0 prize for the top crab finisher, but since this wasn’t a sanctioned tourney, i guess...well...whatever.

noone expects the crabs. long live 0-ushi