dpc-vegas-shiznat
Title: dpc-vegas-shiznat
Author: Danny "Skuff D" Rider
Date: May 2, 2001
GAY PORN AND CIGERETTES
No joke, this is how the night starts. After the wamr up tournament, me and some of the cooler Vegas boys are playing three flies up in the street when all out of left field Brandon Gravo lets out, "All I want is some Gay Porn and cigerettes." It was downhill from then on. We all laugh and decide to stop waiting for Ted Hansen to show and we go to the suncaost for some dinner.
The host there is all, "Now don’t you boys cause any ruckuss." and we’re all, "What you say?" Then amongst the fine dining of Las Vegas (Biscuits and gravy for 99 cents!) the bus boy pays us too much attention. "Uh, can I get some soda with my ice?" The dude just kept pouring it. Right into Shane Watner’s cup. I mean even as Shane was drinking, the guy was hovering around, waiting to strike and refill...
So we’re all tired of laughing at stupid people and decide to get saome sleep for the next day. I have no clue what to play for either side and Dan Christy and David Irvine suggest MKOS and give me some quick ideas. Cool, DS covered. LS...well let’s not go there.
So I get myself some refreshing 2 hours of sleep after making decks and head back to Dan and Shane’s house so we can head out. We had to leave early so Tim Guzman could help set up. We get to the T-Mack and have some fun snagging some food. Shane makes a wrong turn on a one way street and crazy-ness ensues. We stop at some store and snag some food then come back just as everyone is finally arriving. I’m digging the microphone and Brandon Gravo is having too much fun sticking my Big One in his pants. (IN MY PANTS!) If you’re lost right now, go back o the top and start over. The big One is a candy bar dumb fuznucks!
So right before the DPC kicks off, Shane takes the initiative and grabs my Jesus action figure, which is the greatest toy ever told. No joke. Jesus the Action figure: Lord of All (it says this on the friggin’ box, it’s a riot) So Shane has Brian Hunter take a look at it and he’s all, "Sign it or I’ll punch yo in the face" And Hunter is all, "Where’s a pen?"
So now my Jesus action figure is signed by Brin Hunter, Son of God.
Smiles all around then Girard tells me to put the mic down. Damn I was just about to bust out some spiffy SW songs I’ve been working on...
We set up quickly and the game begin
GAME 1 VS. Don "Chef" Kitzman (ENDOR)
his DS vs. my LS
Well let’s say I have no confidence in my LS. It’s a deck designed to beat ISB and fool the opponent for about 2 turns. Anyhow he is playing some delicious MKOS and he sets up fast. I have Mirax in opening hand and that is one bonus I had for the game. The rest sucked fat cizznock. He drains, I try to battle. I lose and decide to stop battling and instead go for cheap drains in the passenger deck. I cut his margin down by some but not before he hands Liea her dousche bag several times. "It’s strong enough for a jedi but PH balanced for a woman."
FL by 20
Good: I played a cool guy and gained some quick pointer on how to play MKOS.
BAD: ...’nuff said.
GAME 2 VS> Robert "Athoria" Seymour
Well those quick pointers I picked up on playing MKOS came in handy. I’ve never played with a MKOS deck before but let’s just say it plays itself. I had everything going here. Drains from the top, compliments of Mosep. Retrieval compliments of scum and a blow job complimets of your sister. Don’t ask me how she got there, all I know is you don’t argue when you got a chick’s head between your legs.
No real good details cause I honestly forget what type of deck this was. (the BJ was that damn good) All I know is I really like MKOS and I won by 24
Current 2 (+4)
GOOD: Winning with this deck I never played with. The BJ was VERY GOOD
BAD: This will be the last insult I sling at your sister. I realize that comedy comes not from insults but from love and so i will stop with the bashing of your slutty sibling.
GAME 3 VS. Geoff "GG Blade" Bowman (ALDERAAN)
Aight now this game deserves some background. Before this game starts, some of us Vegasers are all noticing that this kid looks like one of our locals, Jeff Lavigne. He even fools Kris Lavigne, Jeff’s brother and all of us are like whoa! The evil clone is taking over! It’s friggin insane, somebody shoulda gotten a picture. Anyhow I end up playing the guy and his name is GEOFF! Sure it’s spelled differently but you read Thrawn trilogy...Luke and Luuke! it’s all a cloning thing! So this is way too weird. Anyhw we bust it down.
My Scum comes out fresh and furious. Turn 1 I have evry one of my locations out and the ground held for destruction. Geoff is trying some hidden mains stuff but I got this shiznat covered. Hidden weapons, no stupid swarm and the canceling of everyone of his drains of 3 gives me the edge. I have a low force pile but i battle like 2 times and retrieve 8 force and make him lose 2 cuase he doesn’t have out Aim High. He can’t hold against me and the game wraps up.
FW 21
Current 4(+25)
Sweet. I defeated the evil Geoff clone. As game 4 is setting up someone calls to me, "Dude, they’re playing!" I look over my shoulder and sure enough Jeff vs. Geoff. Epic Duel! I so wanted to postpone my game and do some major PA’ing and some commentary. Man that was just too cool but they’re all, play you’re game and I’m all ok...
GAME 4 Vs. Clayton Atkins
Wow, I get to play someone who’s name is familiar. This’ll be really cool as he starts some CCT stuff. I know I’ll lose but it’ll be fun right? Clayton is a cool guy and he just lays me out. I go to the ground early finding no Hoth DB, so I use a tatooine DB. He comes down and I barrier vader but am unsuccesful in pounding the lord with a sbaer so Clayton loses a minimum and lose Luke and Madine and move mirax to the hoth db for protection. Then comes the shiznat. This Bizzity-izzity Bullshizznat with mofuzzucking dressing on the side. He drops a load of Skrillings and inserts a number. Dang. Last week this deck had numbr killer start. This week, it sucks bantha balls. I take a couple turns not losing to it and deploy Liea and Orrimarko to the backdoor for drains. (I had no other chaarcters.) I lose to numbers. He inserts again. I sigh and lose to numbers. This wasn’t my idea of a fun game and I know I show it. He inserts again. Now I’m pissed. By this time I got honor out but come on 3 inserts? Clayton is all, "Dude, I pack 4."
No way. Yes way. I lose again to insert and he inserts again. I toss my hand down. No offense to him but this is just not cool. I lost 29 frizznuckin force to inserts! what kind of pitty eyeball furbin shiznat is that!
FL 29
Current 4(-4)
GOOD: Playing Clayton. He is a cool guy and I do give hjim props for building a tight dark deck that not only surprised me but handed me my arss. I’m not angry at him, just angry at my thoughts a week before. "Hey, whose gonna be dumb enough to play numbers at DPC?" Damn.
BAD: If you missed it, read that match again then go buy some toothpaste. Only blind men could miss that.
GAME 5 vs. Scott Anderson (Yavin 4)
Well this guy is cool too. He’s nice and we set up the game. He plays profit. I’m all sweet, MKOS will tear this shiznat up. Then I forget to deploy my aliens starting at the AC. He didn’t remind me but I totally missed it until I drew mighty jabba and was all, "Hey Jabba, why aren’t you on tatooine?" And he’s all, "Cuase your a dumb fuznuck Danny!" Dang I got punked by my own Jabba.
So this game is awesome. We are back and forth, losing some getting it back, playing some totally cool game. Mosep is putting it early on him cause he is losing from the reserve and not from hand. I get an ealry look at his deck and see to much red. He has Jedi Luke ut early and uses Bush t blck my drain. I move to the desert and hpe t keep her there but Scott flips, then NABRUN’s her t the palace! and I lse some force. We g back and fooorth and my Aliens GT keeps Han from going anywhere but Chewie cancels it and runs. then I get him stuck in a coorner and wail oon the heroes. He loses some characters and is playing tought. Back too the left, back too the left, back too the left, back and to the left!
It’s coming down big time and I get him to flip back and he straight up On’s the edge foor 3 right before they call time. They count the cards...m6, him 7! WTF!!!!
TL by 7
4(-11)
GOOD: Playing a cool player. He was nice and it was mainly my fault too deply thse aliens. This was a great game.
BAD: I wuld have won this game had my aliens started at the AC, no doubt. I will forever kick myself and small animals because of this.
At this point the room is getting a lot mre emptier and my "O" key n my keyboard is friggin’ stuck. Bear with me flks while I fix this shiznat.
GAME 6 VS. A No Namer
Actually he has a name but I didn’t catch it r write it down. He was the Deaf Guy and while this sounds insulting, it’s simply the ooonly way I can explain it.
Well Endor Ops Vs. my 4 starships mains deck. Damn, LS doon’t get no breaks. Wait, turn 2 Home OOne! sweet!. He drops 2 systems and a tie fighter at each system. I’m coonfused. He’s not doing SFS but he has ties? Hmm. I figure he’s got some ghhk thing going so I decide to get rid of it. Instead when the Home 1 battles it sees some emergency deployment! Whawha-what! Dang. Straight up thuderflare, ISD and another TIE join the fray. I lose Melas and 6 to keep the home one alive. WTF was that! I move to Endor and decide I’ll fight another TIE there.He forgets his Rumors drain bonus the whoole game so i only lose 3 force a turn from 2 drains. Not bad... He runs away from Endor so I go to the ground and beat on Vader with Luke and Han. He Emergency deploys again...twice! (no, it’s not unique!) Luckily no characters. I win that battle and make him lose 14. I keep it safe and win this game tightly.
FW 16
Curreent 6(+5)
GOOD: Whoa! My LS squeaked out a win! WTF!
BAD: Emergency Deployment! WTF? That is some cool shiznat. Props ges to the Deaf Guy.
As a side note, a Vegas player lost like all his decks the night before and yet he still showed to the DPC and sat around for 8 hours not playing a game. You make think he’s crazy, we all think the same but nobody say anything...
GAME 7 Vs. Brett "Nique" Kitani
(yes I’m still playing. I’m having too much fun to drop.)
Tom Green Friggin rocks! And so does Wesley Willis! Go to Napster now and DL Wesly Willis’ "Rock and Roll McDonald’s" You’ll laugh so hard your testicles will burst. BLATANT PLUG
Anyhow back to the game:
MKOS is sweet. I play heavy and hard and get my drains going. Jabba and Bib saw play in this whole tourney once and I lost that game. they don’t even need to come to the game...Well after some quick fun, I see what turely coolness Obi-wan’s journal can do. Dang I captured that biznatch too! Anyhow Brett has got the mains and sabers thing going on and I have got the sailbarge and the BH with hidden weapons going on. He forgets to save a force for mvoing my Merc Pilot and I wail on some attempted palace raiders. After I clean up the crew topside, Jodo and some abyssin freinds go below decks to visit Lando with Axe who is just chilling, trying to get his game on. Well hidden weapons says you couldn’t play wheel of fortune if your mama was Vana White!
He desn’t have out aim high and he gives me room and time to shoot my reserve from 17 cards to 30. Jedi Luke tries to make a stand but as the rambling rambler would say, "tizznitty whiny piny it work once then i go pee."
FW 30
current 8(+35)
GOOD: MKOS. Hidden Weapons oh and also unhampered retrieval.
BAD: Obi’s journal. Man that’s tech. But why even have Blaster deflection?
Well this will be my last game and it’s all good. I’m tried and true and if all goes well i can go cosmic bowling after this. (Ah Vegas, land of the neon bowling lanes...)
GAME 8 VS. Caleb Smith (Alderaan)
Caleb has a Decktech name but he didn’t know how to spell it so I shall simply call him Silly Name. Or insert silly name here.
Well let’s just say his BHBM is nice. It’s the first one I played that is meant to win the duels. His destiny is amazing and I was lucky that I tied 1 duel. I figure I can give up Luke and have him lose force while I mess with his dueling but he sets up in the chamber mondo fast and even though he is losing 1 force, i am losing 3. Honor doesn’t help when there’s No Escape. Dang. So he is tearing it up and I am trying to lay some smack down but he is winning battles by pulling some huge destinies out of his ass.
How many Visages did he have in the deck? Does it matter? The cool thing is he also played AAA which i was able to counter by dropping a guy every turn. Fallen Portal almost gave me an edge but Mara is persistnet and Caleb was playing well. I try to hold it out but can’t stand the duel loss any longer. Liea goes out in a bttle to do some harm to him Via First strike and I lose all but one card. He weants to battle on his turn and get a card back but I lost a battle so I stack a card. Heh heh heh...wait I lost that game.
FL 23
Final standings 8(+12)
Who placed what when and why? I dunno. I would like to know though. Anyhow We all stay and watch the top 4 go at it. Me and another Danny snatch the left over pizza and eat it unbeknownst to anyone else...until now.
I go to call my friend to go cosmic bowling and he’s all, "No dude, I suck @#$%, I’m a puzzy I don’t want to do shiznat!" So I get pssed at him and head baack inside to chill with Shane and Tim who stare at me as I crunch ice. What? I’m thirsty! "Dude, go crunch it over there."
Like a biznatch i walk away and finish the crunching of my ice. And I return to watch some scouts almost hand Hunter some trouble. And last night I passed up my favorite scout deck cause I thought they’d lose hardcore...sigh.
Anyhow We pack up and Shane and I are like, "Dude, now that Hunter won the DPC, that Jesus action figure is worth more money cause it was signed BEFORE the DPC! Dang, I should put this thing on ebay huh? We laugh our asses off just thinking about some of you who might actually bid on the greatest action figure ever. No Joke dude, LORD of ALL!
Danny Lamar got ditched by Berta so he tags with Brad Beddlion (aka jabba) and me, Shane, Dave irvine and Tim go to the Hardrock where this fuznuckin queer bait is dancing and singing as he serves food. The guy is a @#$% and the only thing that keeps me from spooning out his liver is some of the eye candy that is bobbing in the place. I decide to let the dumb guy live another day and we all laugh our cares away down in fraggle rock.
As the day comes to a close our hero rides off into the sunset and gets some much needed sleep.
Overall Mad "Big Mike" High Fives go to-
Girard to pulling this thing off.
Everyone who showed.
Suncoast for giving me all the ice I could ever need with my soda.
Brandon Gravo for coming out of the closet.
David Irvine for showing me the thrill of scum.
Dan Christy for hooking me on the phrases, "Dang." And "You like that?"
Decktech for letting me post this...Shiznat
The guys who left the pizza
the Geoff clone.
All the cool players for putting up with my shiznat. you guys are cool.
Hunter for signing the Jesus action figure
and Of coruse the Jesus action figure. Which is worth some money...should I put this puppy on ebay? Review with comments.
Evil "Football Peen" thumbsdown to-
Suncoast chick for totally categorizing us as trouble makers!
Brandon Gravo for wanting Gay Porn and Cigerettes
Jeff Lavigne for losing to his clone
Decipher for making number inserts
Brad for losing his cards
Girard for not using or letting me use the mic
Those who didn’t show
The cheap whore that gave Matt Berta scabies.
The queer bait that wouldn’t shut the fuznuck up at Hard Rock.
Republicans who have sex with underaged children.
"FOR SHAME!"
well thanx for taking the time to read this and hopefully chuckle and nknow what is going on in the Vegas DPC world. Now when am i gonna find out how I did in this cookiee?
---Danny "Skuff D" Rider