all-along-the-uterine-wall-5-6-england

Title: all-along-the-uterine-wall-5-6-england
Author: michael "Deck" Gemme
Date: May 8, 2001

So me and Steebo had had about enough of the tourney scene on the east coast, and from the looks of it, things weren’t even looking to hot on the west coast. Well it just so happens that my physics teacher here at the wonderful Marist College went crazy and held up the cafeteria, so school was cancelled on Monday and Tuesday. Me and steebo looked at this as an opportunity to do something ill, so we went to this old guy who lives on steve’s street and told him we’d fix his roof for about 4 grand. The guy is 96 and answered the door in a diaper so of course he said yes and we got my sister (whom steve is in love with, along with half the other people that have ever even seen her) and this girl lauren who lives on my street, we call her HUTS (Ho up the street) and catch a plane to the hottest place we could fine where they are having a tourney, which coincidentally is Worcester, England.. we just happen to live in Worcester MA.

So we get to the airport in London and rent a car, we demanded a navy blue 2001 jetta, as that is what my car ’the outrider’ is. We pay this dude at the counter 50 bucks(who knows how much that is in pounds) to tell us how to get to worcester, which is like 2.5 hours away, so that sucked. My sister and HUTS didnt wanna drive to the boondocks so we gave them 600 bucks to get a hotel for the night and get dinner and stuff. We gave them way more than they deserved but it is my sister so i have to take care of her, especially when we fly unnanounced out of the country without telling my parents (my sister is not even 18). Me and steebo have about 2600 left and we figure that will get us a room in a shistey hotel and admission to they tourney, as well as food and a couple of whores.

The 2.5 hour trip ends up taking like 4 hours and a buttload of gas money, and we get to Wistah at like 8pm their time. We get a room in a halfway decent hotel that we were hoping would double as a bordello, but it didnt. So we hang out making some ill decks for steve to play because he is all into this british meta theory of his that noone in this country ever plays retrieval protection. So he makes this deck that runs liek 5 of each edge, 4 harvest, OMDH and numbers. Gay right??? exactly, so we play and i totally shut him down when im playing my real decks, but he makes this "british cornacopia" light deck that it totally kills. Finally i convince him that hes wicked gay if he plays the deck and he goes with his ROPS for dark and QMC for light. I am playing identical QMC but for some reason my EPP leia is like bitten in half so i have to play with Premeire leia because thats all we have with us. For Dark im playing my BHBM 7s called BRING HIM UP THE ANUS. We get to bed after watchign free porn (love european tv) til like 4.

We get to the tourney and everyone has on black jeans with white sneakers, shaved heads and tight brightly colored shirts. Outside, someone asks steebo for a f.a.g. which over there is a cigarette i guess and steve kicks in his kneecap. the guy went after steve from his knees but i had to hold steve back. Anyways that guy wasnt in the tourney so we lucked out. We went and paid to register, they got pissed we paid in american but whatever we didnt care. Steebo pulled a brentson and put down the wrong information so that he would go in with a 1500 rating. I put down my massachusetts information where my rating there is 1428 from a few years ago when i went to my first two tourneys. My real rating is 1657 in NY. Anyways steebo is a near 2000 ranked player and i am a ratings buster as it is, so we were lookin to do some damage. Anyways on to the games.
Since steebo isn’t writing a report ill throw in some stuff on his games.

Oh yeah before the games, everyone there (16 players not including us) signed the book of tech, so that was nice of them, as none of them had even heard of the book of tech, aside from one man pip couldron, so we let him sign first. Now REALLY on to the games...

Game 1 my Bring him up the Anus against Pip Couldron’s MYWHL Mains

Pip’s deck is like hidden mains, but instead of using systems for activation, he uses dagobah sites. Which is wierd because well, you can land on dagobah and drain. But it worked okay, it jsut relied on Pip going to my BG’s which is nice, because my deck is a beatdown deck that wins 2 battles and crosses luke. He starts Battle Plan, Squadass, and The Sac Killa, im not worried. So i get out carida and the spaceport docking bay first turn. Drop Emporer to the spaceport dbay and draw one, leaving one. Eventually i get janus with the emporer, but he wont come at me with luke, so i move them to the throne room with emporres power there and drop vader to the CC dbay. He gives me Scout luke and sends them to the throne, which pretty much makes it easier for me to win. I duel and win all game, but that is a side note. He drops EPP obi, epp han and epp leia to the spaceport dbay after he puts out ounee ta for the -3. then he gets dash in ship to carida with wedge in ship. Hes thinking hes pretty fortified when he gets ITTL otu and is set to drain me. But low and behold i drop IG w/ gun and Boba with gun to the dbay. I set for stun obi wan with a 7 and play no escape to get it back. I battle, capture leia. Now i dont even need emporers power as im getting 3 destiny against one dude. He shoots and misses i shoot and hit, i draw 7,5 and he loses han and eighteen. Hes hurtin pretty bad. He drains me for one at carida and i duel and win again. Now im settin up my destiny with op as planned janus and reactor terminal. Nex tturn i drop bossk zuckuss, set for stun dash. Draw 2 destiny, 7,7. he stacks another card. I duel. 1,1, to lose 7 to cross. FW by 35.
2(+35)

Steebo won his game with the ROPS by 31 and we are the top two, but played the same side. So we are all set.

Game2 My QMC vs. Laine Tagman’s TDIGWATT
This is pretty much an auto win because ten numb superstar is the best deck on cloud city ever made. I set up in space early as i know its going to be a battle for the system. I fortify so heavily that he never even tries to take the system, just beat me off the planet. which he fails to do. I am dodging and escaping and pathing left and right, retrieving with celebration and pinging with OTE for three. I set up for my final beatdown when i path obi in my control, SATM him, battle run luke run and beatdown for like 14 cards. BY then i had retreived all the draining he had done, and drained him out. FW by 22
4(+57)
So far this is my best tourney ever. i’m pretty happy. Steve wins with the TIES by 31 again so theres no way we arent playing each other which sucks.

Game 3. Tie Rolls vs. Ten Numb Superstar
We’ve played this game many times, and ten numb cannot compete with tie rolls in space because ties dont need to battle to win. He rolls all my ships with ease with lat damages and talon rolls and what not and ends up taking me by 24. FL by (24)

This game wasnt even fun, now im 4(+33). At least me adn steve dont play each other anymore cause there are 3 more undefeateds.

Game 4. My Bring him up the Anus vs. Wayne Bruntkiss’ WYS Cantina Shuffle.

WYS sucks cause it hurts my activation, luckily i only need to stack two cards, and it only takes two guys for me to win battles if i play it right... even though this kid made a retarded mistake turn one, and it lost him the game. I drop Janus and Emporer to CC dbay first turn. He decides to come at me with EPP luke so im playing like im wicked scared right... wrong.. he battles and tries to chop the emporer, which he does, but no matter because i search for i have you now with crush, play it to get 3 destiny. he draws a 1... coincidentally i draw 3 7s and my tp is 25 to 6. he loses luke and a bunch of cards off the top as well as stacks a card. I get my emp back out and him and janus chill at the throne room. I drop vader then, he gives me luke this time, epp though. Then he drops some dudes at the cantina in theron nett, melas and mirax. I drop Mara and Jabba, battle, lose a card for the emps power, and draw a 5 and a 7. He wasnt flipped so he only draws one destiny, which was a 4 and he lost another battle. I set up for my duel, lose then flip a 7 to win. FW by 25
(6+58)

Steebo wins again, which is nice and his diff is through the roof. hes playing the last unbeaten dude next and i play

Game 5 My QMC vs. Pip Couldron’s SYCFA Manipulation
Well my deck has alot of male characters so i’m a little worried about losing ten numb early. He does the docking bay control room to throw down docking bays and get sick activation with mob points. Im shi.ttin bricks now. First turn all i could get down was luke. I held Tawss cause shes my girl. Second turn he tried to over deploy to the docking bays for more activation and it cost him cause i had drawn up han and my only dash. I got Dash down first and ten numb. Now i didnt need my han but i had drawn up obi. He miyoomed and got obi and han, finally i got down my girls to CC and started celebrating and draining. He tried to come at me with some 2/2 imps (he was playing with wlakers) and vader. I dodged and pathed and hurt him with OTE before pathing to SATM vader and beat down some guys when he was too low on force to miyoom me. I retreived enough to win by a decent amount. FW by 18.
8(+76)

Steebo wins again, and that puts me and him in the final game. My BHBM vs the QMC

Game 6. Bring him up the Anus vs. QMC
Basically i know to win this game i have to keep dropping guys until he runs out of evasion cards once i get luke. I could try and go to space, but more than likely ten numb will shoot down the executor, as i know steve was tracking sixes and holding rapid fire. I stayed away from space which gave him solid drain. I was able to duel and win a bunch of times, but everytime i think i got his 6 off the top, i dont hhave enough force to drop the executor. i have one card stacked for the longest time but hes retreiving everything im hurting him with in duels plus im losing to OTE. I draw up before he can retrieve any more. FL by 20
8(56)

Well i did pretty good considering i only lost to steebo. I came in third, he came in first winning the alter foil which was nice. thatll help us pay for ramapo if we cant rip off another old guy by then. We decide not to stay the night, and we just drive back into london and hook up with my sister and HUTS who have been living it up hardcore. Theyre all euro’d out now which is kinda stupid but whatever. some of my favorite people are european so its all good.

We get the plane back to the states and fly into logan. I hop a train to get back to school in time to study for finals, and my sister and HUTS take steebo back to worcester, MA to have their way with him. This was easily the best tourney i’ve been to considering its the first time ive ever been out of north america. And we decide to do it again after we fix the old man’s roof, because all it really needed was a few nails and some shingles, which we stole of someone elses house, in hopes of scamming them later. Thanks for reading here are props and slops

PROPS
Jess and HUTS for coming with
Steebo for being my right hand man
The guy at EuroHertz that was able to get us a jetta
The guy with no teeth at the hotel in worcester
the guy we paid 50 bucks to for directions
Pip Couldron for knowing who we were.
England for making us drive on the left
The old dude, mr. perkins who we ripped off
the old lady mrs jenkins who we stole shingles from
Everyone else at the worcester tourney
Brick, the TD from the worcester tourney

Slops
British food
Steebo for being the worst navigator ever
Jess and HUTS for going euro
Steebo for beating me twice

I’m not one for slops so ill cut it short. thanks for reading, see you at ramapo