kalit-diggaz-in-denva
Title: kalit-diggaz-in-denva
Author: Cortney "dope5tar" Haggerty
Date: Jul 7, 2001
about a week prior to the denver open, casey SMEG barson says "man are you goin to denver?" "well," says i, "if i can get work off and you jokers will split gas, ill even drive." so naturally, since i am an ingenious git, i got work off AND managed to convince my girlfriend cheryl that it would be good for me to go to denver. (muahahahaa)
so friday morning rolls round, and while the alarm goes off at 700, i dont actually roll out of bed till about 815. running late as usual. so i scamper around cheryls apartment packing stuff up, and go to leave. my keys are nowhere to be found. so i go wake up cheryl, and after a lengthy search, we find the keys still in the lock of the front door. duh. and im off.
i cruise up to caseys pad (more of a landfill, really-lol), and stare in utter dismay at the insane amount of stuff he is bringing. huge suitcase, 5 boxes of cards and a cooler full of bread and peanut butter. i just have a backpack and a duffel bag. at this point, i pray that zach YODAMUPPET marshall packs light.
we go to pick up zach, and thankfully he has a relatively small amount of luggage. so, after stopping at various banks for cash and topping off the tank, we leave for denver.
its slow going since my jeep is only a 6 cylinder and it despises hills the likes of which we have in utah. then we cross over into the godforsaken wilderness that some people call wyoming. this state sucks. bad. at one point, they have two sets of telephone poles ont he highway- one at the correct, 90 degree angle, and one set at a 45 degree angle. for miles and miles. @#$%ed up @#$%, i tell you. unsettling. we stop at laramie for gas, and we are not terribly shocked to find that the sherriffs office is located inside the gas station. jeez. so we bugger out of there as fast as we can and casey drives. at one point we are talking about which cartoon characters we thought were hot when we were kids and my pick is scarlet from gi joe. casey mentions the bear lady from tale spin. at this point i just shrug, cuz hey if casey is into bestiality, then that is his thang. and on that thought, i go to sleep.
i wake up on the freeway in denver in time to notice casey driving crazy trying to catch up to some chicks. to make a long story short, we lose them and decide to go to collectormania and try to get into the tournament that started 10 minutes earlier. we make it there in time to find out that we missed the first round and have to wait till the second one. duh.
so my first game is me vs a guy who i later find out to be van something-or-other, one of the whos who of denver. im playing my hunt down/podrace/numbers/duelling/various other types of cheese dark deck. he is playing standard HB mains. he ditches YISYW 1st turn to go get honor, all the while i chuckle inwardly cuz i have no escape in my hand. so we race, and i finish on turn 4. he loses 11, i retrieve my lost pile. i then throw down vader. he drops various characters in front of him, and since by this time i have most of my vaders in my hand, i use him for little runs against jedi, then flip back my next turn. i finally deploy tech mor to the holotheater w/the emperor and van gets this distraught look on his face cuz now he realizes im also playing numbers. he makes some remark about cheese,(even tho i never inserted on him once) then i proceed to duel either luke or obi wan ( i cant quite remember which) and make him lose the game by like 30. he then tells me what everyone else has been telling me about my deck, that once people know youre playing it, youll lose. so he asks to play it again, this time keeping his YISYW and still losing by like 20-25. now he is pissed and drops the tournament. ok whatever.
my second game is against one of the local TDs who is playing black sun. im playing eboX hunter style. to make this short, i get honor and hes not playing w/no escape. we avoid each other most of the game, and i come away with the win by like 12.
my last game is my HD jizz vs big guy whose name i cant remeber’s profit racing. at this point, i get kinda worried, cuz ls racing is fuggin good. i dont start the box cuz i dont wanna screw myself (its a good thing too). i lose the race because he plays the race perfectly and eventually the tat drains, profit damage and visage damage kill me. he wins by like 20. he played perfectly, and there wasnt much i couldve done. good job, big guy w/profit!
so we go back to the hotel, and me and casey go down to the hot tub after making zach promise not to get pay per view porn. we brainstorm while our brains cook in the hot tub and go back upstairs to test out the new ideas. casey tries to flip scyfa against my ebo deck, since that would be the hardest for it. it doesnt work. i decide to play dark surgeon on saturday, even tho ive played it like 2xs. oops.
me and zach stay up playtesting till like 5 in the morning. we wake up about 7ish, get some nasty, heavy food from dennys and head back out to parker for the open.
now im working off of about 1 hour of sleep. needless to say, my playing is reflected by it, me finishing like 20th. the details of the open (at least my part in it) is best left unsaid. me making stupid mistakes puts me in the negatives. grrr. casey, however, takes 8th and gets glass. cheers to casey. the one good thing is that while i finished badly, zach finishes worse, thus ensuring that i dont have to sleep on the floor! yes. it could be worse.
me and casey then drive out to thornton, a burb outside of denver to see my old friend Zach Gable. on the way up, me and casey storm some more about a court mains deck that we saw matt jensen playing. it looked really tight and i had beaten it only by 5 on wednesday. so i put it down on paper and decide that that is what i will play on sundays team tournament. we get to zachs house and hang out for a couple of hours, reminiscing, playing magic w/his wife and drinking copious amounts of jack daniels. at one point, i go to the bathroom and fall asleep on the toilet. i only wake up when my legs go to sleep. that is when i say when and we go back to denver to try to sleep some.
we get back to the hotel, and there are two teeny white guys from AZ hangin in our room watchin sex and the city w/zach. theyre john and jared i think, and they are two seriously funny mofs. they had driven even longer than us and were even tireder than me! they have crazy deck ideas down there in AZ, they tossed some around while we sat there in amazement at the strange jizz that passes for SW in AZ. so about 330, everyone goes to bed but zach. hes multi tasking, watching a movie about some chick who hops bars and sleeps w/guys for fun, and trying to decide which 2 cards to cut for the spiral and falcon. now normally i dont care about any of that, but when the chicks moaning and screaming wake me up, that is where i have to draw the line. i yell something about @#$%es humping and waking me up, and zach turns the volume down. hallelujah. i proceed to snore in my time honored fashion, pissing multiple people off and making me giggle incessantly.
so we get up, and discover we have a dilema- not enuf shampoo for everyone. somehow, i end up being last to shower, despite having more hair than everyone else there. however, like i mentioned before, im a clever mof. i decide to put water in the bottle, shake it around, and eureka! shampoo! well sortof. anyways, i have clean hair and 4 hours of sleep. time to go take the team tournament by storm.
we get there and scott is late opening the store cuz some dip@#$%s have a crash on the freeway. at this point, me and casey are in a moral morass- do we ditch zach and play w/girard and beal, or play w/zach and an unknown fourth. we feel bad so we go w/team utah, aka the kalit diggers. if that name isnt funny to you, its cuz youre pronouncing kalit wrong! use utahnics and youll chuckle. anyhow. we get justin beal as our fourth (same guy who took 2nd the day bfore-yes!) and move on to matchups.
first round: our team utters a collective groan as our whole team has been paired up against hunters team- hunter, john arendt, van and chris fanchi. s’okay, tho. were koo.
game 1: my court mains vs chris fanchis tripler WYS.
i hate WYS, so i figure i gotta come out fast and hard. 1st turn, i toss down emperor to the cantina, follwed by mara w/stick on turn 2. he draws a bunch of cards for the first couple of turns. i figure since i havent seen any palace raiders/patrol craft, he must be playin tripler. so i let him draw up a fist full of cards then monnock him used. yes, used. it sends like 10-15 cards to his used pile, ruining his chance at the mad tripler beating. he never recovers from this. after that, i had an answer for just about everything he sent out- ZIMH thumped mirax in ship, vader and dr e sorted out luke, so on and so forth till i win by 28ish.
props: my deck for working like i hoped it would
killing wys.
actually using sense and alter against wys.
slops: chris for calling me lucky. lucky people generally dont win by 28.
game 2: my EBO anti hunt down vs mike girards garrison deck.
i had seen girard play this deck yesterday, so i was hoping he would be playing it again. yay, walkers against my ebo. unless he was playing w/TTMG, i figured i had a good chance at winning w/a high diff. he starts mob points, IAO and secret plans. i get honor out fast and start doing mucho damago w/ebo drains. i get commander skywalker from reserve w/ebg, and mike says something about trampling his poor ass. so i decide to call his trample bluff and stick luke in front of an imperial walker w/some pilot. no trample. hee hee! i replace luke w/jedi luke and kill his walker, not losing luke. by now, he is struggling to get walkers out while trying to contest my in space. i leave one xwing at hoth and have 2 wings at 3 other systems. i leave one force active, bluffing the barrier. mike calls me bluff and drops ZIMH and DIPO. he battles and i react w/spiral. he draws deplorable destiny and i lose the xwing. i run away and he chases my wings around till i get enuf wings in my hand to whale on zuckuss. by now i am draining under the shield via luke, hobbie and zev plus mad drains in space cuz he never really gets imp decree going. basically, mike makes some critical mistakes and dont. i win by like 29.
props: girard for being hella fun to play against.
me for not being dumb.
slops: girard for making some dumb mistakes.
game 3: my ebo i hate hunt down racing vs josh baders hunt down racing.
finally! the game ive been waiting for. josh starts the box and the race. he draws a 1 and i draw nothing (cheating sebulba). im not too sad tho, as i have 2 step backwards in my opening hand. i start setting up ebo. turn 2. josh draws a zero. yup, a zero for race destiny. i draw a 5 and a 2 i think. that is pretty much how the game goes for josh. i set up some fatty drains in space, and the emperor wanders under the shield. the race goes on and on. he finally gets out no escape, making me lose to visage too. i step backwards a couple of times, hurting him and not me, and he collides me 2xs, both times getting 5’s instead of the multiple xwings stacked there. duh. late game, he lat damages one of my xwings. im like, ok whatever. big mistake. next turn, ba-dow! counter assault. i lose like 11 from it. suddenly the game is alot closer. the race drags on, and one turn away from draining him out, we draw race destiny. the race ties at 32. phew! i drain him out and win by 8.
props: josh for making the game alot closer by skillful playing.
slops: me mistracking a 5, thus not retriveing for my allwings. duh.
lunch break, looks like i get to play hunter! sweet.
game 4: court mains vs hunters ebo racing poop.
we start the game and hunter is cool as ice. we race, me deciding not to draw since i have no racer. i get the emperor to the audience chamber with vader and say go. he gets out honor fairly quickly and plops ben to the podrace arena. brian then hooks me up with order to engage. uh oh, i dont have any protection against it except for alter. but he has DODN/WA out so i figure id better not. bad move, i think it ends up losing me the game. we race on, and vader trots on over to the arena to circle ben. hunter is pissed, and the circling of hunters ben becomes my one small victory of the game. to make a long story short, he wins the race, keeps me from getting search and destroy going, makes me lose like 12 force to OTE, steals mara’s saber, and says "i did it" in anakins annoying voice so many times i wanna reach across the table and strangle him. at this point, he is tracking a few manuevers and edging non stop. at this point, i shoulda just scooped, but didnt. instead, i let hunter retrieve his lost pile and win by 34. crud.
props: hunter for making no mistakes. none. zero. jeez.
me for playing well enuf to play hunter in the 4th round.
slops: me for forgetting SSPFT and fanfare. duh.
me for not scooping when i shoulda. 34 for fux sake!
game 5: court mains vs john arendts ebo racing.
glitch in the matrix, ive seen this before. slightly different, but in most respects similar to hunters deck. john is a super nice guy. maybe too nice to play star wars! the game goes pretty much like it did with hunter. i manage to get SaD going, but john plays like a champ and cancels it on me. he gets ackbar to home1 at kiffex. i respond with ZIMH, 4lom and bossk. i chase home1 around for like 10 turns, until john gets thaneespi and hash pipe ont he home1- then he chases me around. john doesnt have the retrieval that hunter has, so he wins by a meager 21.
props: john being hella nice, and a really good player to boot.
slops: darth maul failing to sense something- i drew the circle! duh.
at this point, our team is doing so well that if we can all have big wins, we could take first! im excited now, cuz after losing 2 in a row, id be thrown back down to (theoretically) easier games.
game 6: my eb-mof vs brock buss isb.
brock starts what looks just like hunters retarded isb hoo hah. im not too worried, usually i can beat this unless he drops battle deployment. i get ebo set up quickly, and he drops choke vader and blizzard 2 to the 4th marker. at this point i almost soil myself thinking that maybe he is packing a TTMG. phew, no worries- it never shows up. i set up xwing drains in space while he is saving force to create the imperial navy. he gets maul to the 4th marker and moves vader to the generators. i drop obi w/stick to the MPG and cut vader, thus stopping his decree. then i give maul some boushh to keep him occupied. this works the whole game. i guess maul likes @#$%. anyhow, i digress. he administers a beating to 2 xwings w/zuckuss, but i have the houjix. he gets the executor to hoth w/mad pilots and zuckuss. i deploy like 5 wings and the spiral. both brock and casey (who has won his last game and is watching) are scratching their heads. i then teach them both by initiating, organized attack, shoot zuckuss lost, thus making his ships power -2 and mine not. muahaha. he loses a bunch of pilots and some life force, and lando is legendary in the falcon. i drain him for a bunch and he eventually scooops to avoid the late game 10 xwings reporting in. i win by 21.
props: brock for being way professional. he plays like ice.
slops: me for forgetting to drain once for 4, and forgetting about decree, making the game go for one turn longer than it shoulda.
so the team tournament ends with us dropping zach, who finished in the hole, and taking second. not bad, not bad at all considering that hunters team has no one under 1800 and our team had 1 person above that. we get a box of tat for our trouble, and i get stupid stuff from my packs.
anyhow, here are trip props and slops.
Props.
scott, the owner of the store for being fun to talk to inbetween games.
me for playing hunter. (yeah, im happy bout it, cant ya tell?)
casey, for being undefeated.
AZ guys, for all being cool and expanding my horizons.
marriot hotel, for giving us fairly cheap rooms.
my jeep, for not dying despite having 112000 miles on it.
my girlfriend, for kicking me out of bed at 800.
jack daniels, cush he ish my fwiend.
heather, for making me peanut butter cookies.
casey for giving me bread to eat when i was starvin.
almost all of the players in denver, for making the trip enjoyable.
to me, for playing mcguyver and making shampoo out of water.
to my huntdown deck, for making van drop the tournament.
to my ebo deck for going undefeated.
to hunter for making most of my ebo deck.(lol)
ok slops.
wyoming, for being a fugged up state.
wyomings double power poles.
my performance on saturday.
zachs performance on saturday.
casey for timing out multiple times with his choo choo WYS deck (lol again)
mcdonalds, for putting so much salt on their fries youd think they jizzed on em.
dennys, for being a dive generally.
my girlfriend for leaving the keys in the lock.
me for falling asleep on the toilet.
zach for having no money.
zach for waking me up with humping sounds from the tv.
casey for packing the whole damn house!
and lastly,
ME FOR HAVING DIARRHEA OF THE KEYBOARD!
well if you made it this far, congrats. people will probably slam me for writing the equivalent of the encyclopedia britanica, but who cares? it was a hella fun trip that didnt cost quite what i thought it might!
ciao,
hag