raleigh-nc-hooker-with-a-penis
Title: raleigh-nc-hooker-with-a-penis
Author: Robert "Turin" Werbicki
Date: Jul 7, 2001
TR starts 2 weeks ago when we (Mike Merletto, Eddie Brown and Mike Kimosh) were in Durham at Pat Hine’s tourney, we were talking about going to a GG tourney since we all had a bunch of deck idea’s we wanted to test out. Me and Mike Merletto came up with a badass light side, but obviously I don’t choose to play that since I’m a dumbass, cuz I want to blow away the Death Star on some poor bastard. Dark Side was’nt too big of a problem either, I was either going to play my BHBM 7’s or this Court deck Hayes Hunter was helping me with, but since I could’nt get all the cards I needed for the court it was BHBM fo me. So all week Mike Kimosh is away so I don’t get to play at all...and that sucks big Brachiosaurus Rex balls. So I need to borrow like 14 cards for this MBO I feel like playing, and Eddie (who from now on will be referred to as Eddo) has most of them Mike Merletto (who from now on will be referred to as either Mike) can let me borrow the rest...but I need a DLOTS for my BHBM, and Ivan Kanner gets me the hook up, nice..I’m all set. Eddo can have me sleep at his house on Friday night and go to the tourney w/ him Sat. morning because my parents have this ill founded preconception that they have a need to take a visit to the beach...and since family trips are widely known to be the worst of all trips, and I don’t really feel like going to the beach with 4 of the most annoying and incompetent people I have ever had the horror of knowing (that would be my mom, dad, brother and sister) I promptly say I don’t wanna go, with many a @#$% you you @#$%ing guy behind my dad’s back when he’s trying to talk me into going. So friday rolls around after a bastardly week of having to be on the closing crew where I lifeguard (NOTE: Scrubbing urinals and @#$%ters at 9 at night, is NOT fun, the other day this other lifeguard found a monstrous stanley steamer still floating around in the @#$%ter...and it would’nt flush) and my mom’s late bringing my 17 year old sister who does’nt have a car or a liscense (told you she was incompetent) and we have to be at Eddo’s house before his dad picks him and me up...or I won’t be able to be picked up, so my sister wants to drive there, and I tell her to @#$% herself since she drive’s like and old fogie...and I get us there fast cuz I’m cool like that, and my mom almost @#$%s herself...cool. So I get there and Eddo has most of the cards I need and I tell him he sucks cuz he told me he had them...so we try to call Mike to see if he can let me borrow them, and we don’t get through. So Eddo’s dad comes and picks us up, and we get Bojangles (the BIGGEST country fast food chain...ever, I walked in there at like 8:30 one morning and they were dishin out fried chicken and mashed potatoes and gravy w/ iced tea...) and we get some Fried Grease (Chickedn) and some Mashed @#$%roach @#$% (Potatoes) and Gravy...I should’nt bash their food, cuz it’s actually pretty good, it’s just funny. We get to Eddo’s dads house and start playtesting...my MBO get’s smashed by hi Huntdown Pods and all that @#$%...twice. But other than that I win. It gets late and we go upstairs and start playing Chessmaster on this old computer his dad’s got, since it does’nt have internet connection...you must boycott that game, I was playing and the computer gave itself 2 Queens!!!! I kid you not. Well anyways I suck cuz the computer cheats, we playtest some more, and then quit playing and play some Gin Rummy...I win, cuz I’m that damn good. And we end up going to sleep at like 2, but not before I set the alarm for 9:15 in the morning, even though eddo says his dad’s gonna wake us up, I ask is’nt there a button I’m supposed to push to make it come on after I set the time, and he’s like nah man, it comes on automatically, I’m like ok man, and the next thing I know we are woken at 9:50 in the morning by Eddo’s dad, the alarm did’nt go off and we have 10 minutes to get ready. So we’re running around and I need breakfast, I look at Eddo’s dads impressive and widespread cereal collection (Fruit Loops and Raisin Bran, I say collection cuz they were old...like antiques man) so now I have to eat Fruit Loops, which I can barely eat in the first place, cuz they taste like piss with frosting, and to make it worse their stale as a @#$%...so I almost throw up, but I dont. So we get in the truck and Eddo’s dad put’s in Black Sabbath...Eddo’s dad kicks arse. We get to Games Galore, and it’s @#$%ing full, there are 24 people there, thats a hella lot for a local. So Mike and Eddo and Me are giving each other cards we agreed to let each other borrow and the TD (Paul) is yellin at us to sign up, and we finally get done and sign up and get started. Rating going in is 1694.
Game One: My MBO vs. Eddo’s HD Pordracing and all them @#$%s
This sucks Brachiosaurus rex balls. Not only do I ahve to play someone I already played a bunch the night before, but this matchup is jizz for me. I play really conservatively, cuz I know if I get any guy’s down he’s just gonna elis and smack me, I get wedge at Yavin 4 draining and he gets EPP Vader at Forest Clearing draining, as well as Mara at the HeadQuarters and evetually drops Tarkin to Forst Clearing...I get out Honor and an Arcona to the Yavin 4 Docking bay, need Menace Fades.. He elis’ in to Yavin 4, and starts draining at my twix, so now I need something to get him the hell out of there, I deploy EPP Obi to the Forest Clearing with a Houjix combo in hand. He draws and elis’ during his move phase to the Forest Clearing, I take my break and set up fast on Yavin, he gets down No Escape and a couple turns later wins the race..I’m trying to set up as best I can afte having to wait to get him out of Yavin and the major loss having to wait inflicted on me...I get my durshkins set up and get Wedge at the Death Star, stack my six and go in, I need to draw a one as well as my 6 to blow it, I flip a one and a Kiffex, that’s ass. Next turn he drains me and I have 3 cards left Kiffex the 6 and random destiny, i have to lose the 6, so now I can’t blow Death Star and cut his diff down a ton. Full Loss by 29.
Good: Eventually I got set up, managing to even get him down to 29
Bad: Just about everything, taking too much damage too fast, him slowing me down even more by infilitrating Yavin 4. Drawing my only remaining 0 instead of a 1. Podracing is Jank.
Game Two: My BHBM vs. Justin’s WYS Space
He starts no starting interupts. Palpatine comes down to ds2 db, I just kinda pull out Carida and my Db’s and sit on my force since I don’t know what he’s tryin to do. He throw’s ECC Lando alone at Cantina..ok. I activate my 16 and drop Sim to Paply’s site and drop DLOTS on Lando (I had a ton more hurt in my hand, but I could’nt crush him that fast) And killed him off, transited Palpy and Sim to Tat Docking Bay. He draws for a while until he goes to 15, then I pull out Evader/Monnock and knock him back down to 8, after a while of taking drains (and me setting up good desttiny’s), he gets Mirax and Leebo on Pulsar Skaet at Correlia and drops kessel Run on Kessel, Moves the Skate there and I draw a 3, so he’s good for the Run. Except my turn I drop ZIMH, 4LOM and Iggy w/, draw a 7,5,3, knock off them and some more. After a while of drawing he throws Chewie Protector at my DLOTS and battles, I decline to draw BD, and he’s like ok then...My turn I drop Mighty Jabba and Prince Xixor, draw my tracked 7 and 5 and thats pretty much game. Full Win by 30
Good: I was able to activate enough to track easily..My High destiny’s @#$%slapped him
Bad: Dropping the C0kbomb on a newbie
Game 3: MBO vs. Cool Kid’s Tat Drain Deck w/ Racing
First turn he dropped Aurra Sing and DS-61-3 to JP. My turn I look at my coolio hand. Drop EPP Obi to JP and Clash Aurra, he loses DS and some more (maybe 9???). After that he gets the AC out and pulls CC Fett and Dagobah Dengar, moves them to JP thinking Clash is gone. My turn I drop the Madine stuff and an Arcona to the AC, battle at JP and only succeed in knocking out Dengar, since I missed the swing on Dengar. (Forgot to say that he had started the Race and stuff...but he did first turn) So I just set up my junks while he try’s to do the race, I just sit at the DStar while he does the race...he eventually wins and I ICBW the 11 damage, while he retreives 7...next turn I blow up the DStar and make him lose 14...sux fo him. The Turn after that I set up the drain of 7 and coast to a win.
Full Win +29
Good: Deck worked like a charm
Bad: Having to sit across from Mike Merletto while he try’s to sound like Anakin saying I did it, Anakin sounds more forced than a man giving head for crack.
Game Four: BHBM 7’s vs. Insert Name’s Profit
He try’s to start TK-422, I say he can’t, he doe’snt think so and calls over Paul, he’s wrong. He does’nt have another Han in his deck so his obj is oop and he gets to start no sites. Although profit actually works in my benefit (gives me a drain 2 site as well as letting me start the Xixor/Mighty Jabba combo. So I just have Palpy at the ds2 db and carida out w/ tat and cc db out waiting for him to do something with the 4 sites he deployed first turn. Eventually he drops Jedi Luke, Lando w/ Ax, Major Palo Torshan and Orrimarko and inserts Odds..WTF?? My turn I activate all I can drop DLOTS capture Luke, Drop Iggy w/ and battle, capture Lando, choke Orri, and Major Palo "I just Got Butt@#$%ed" Torshan goes down and takes 9 more with him...damn that woulda been cool if I hada had Vaders Saber. He activates and draws, I activate it all, Odds pops so he has to lose 3 to his own odds since he has no characters on table, I drop Mighty Jabba and Xixor to Jabba’s palace. He has nothing, he keeps on activating and drawing. I drain him for 4 another turn and then he comes down with the uber retaliation. Drops Owen and Beru, Figgy Dan and Klatoonian Revolutionary to AC. I drain for 4, drop Janus to ds2 db, move them to cc db. His turn drop’s a Jedi Lightsaber on Owen and Beru (For 4!!!) and moves all three of his guy’s to JP. MY turn drain 4, Set For Stun Owen and Beru and beatdown on the Revolutionary and Figgy D. I drain him out. I am his daddy. Full Win +34
Good: My deck worked to perfection
Bad: I am the father of a kid who tried to play Odds with a 3 total...
Game 5: BHBM 7’s vs. Mike Shneider’s Chadra Fan’s
I get Palpy set up at the ds2 db and get carida out (see a pattern?) He sets up at the AC with Kabe, a Fan and a Gran..nice. He drops Arl Shious (sp??) and 2 fans to the entrance cavern and i come down with Darth Vader, Iggy and Fett w/ i set for stun Arl and NO Escape it back to hang on to it..incase he plays Sandwhirl, and battle. Miss the shot to capture, miss the shot on the fan, that’s jizz. He draws a destiny to power and a bdestiny and I draw a 5 and a 1 (Seven’s anyone?? I only play 14) he has to lose both Fans and one, i lose fett and forgot to make him stack...excellent. He sets up his drains an puts another Chadra at the ac and puts Ben plus a Chadra at the tat db. I play a Counter Assualt on his drain at the AC and make him lose 3...woohoo. But I have another in hand and Janus on table, I look at my destiny’s next turn w/ crush and their crap, so i cycle some 7’s back in w/ Janus, track em around, then counter assualt the drain again and make him lose 14, finally..Next up is The Beating O A Chadra Fan by The Dark Prince (that should be a Adam Sandler song) after the set for stun i got back with No Escape hit’s his Caldera Righim, thats pretty much game. Full Win by 19
Good: Nice, my DS went undefeated.
Bad: His high drains knocking my diff down.
Game Six: MBO vs Henry Jica’s BHBM Uber Mainsfirst turn he drops palpy and presence to my yavin db, gets out rendili w/ mobil points. My turn i get calrissian in gold squad 1 to my kessel and battle plan. Next turn he drains for two
throws maul w/ saber at yavin 4 db. My turn drain 3, d corran to throne room deploy y4 war room (which was stupid but at the time all i could think about was actvation). His
turn drain 3, drop lord vader + saber at the throne room, ds2 db, kill corran and a bunch more i houjix..he moves vader over to ds2 db, oves maul over to the Yavin 4 War
Room. My turn drain 3, nada mas. His turn, drains 2,3, drops mara + saber to war room, transits vader. My turb drain 3, give him jedi luke His turn drain 7, drops janus to db,loses 1. My turn, drain 3, deploy wedge and red squad 1 to yavin. His turn drain 4,4. loses 1, thats pretty much how the rest of the game went. But in my hand i had madine. What I should of done is deployed him to gold squadron 1 grabbed arcona and smacked him down thus saving me 4 force a turn and in time possibly setting up o2e. but he was rushing cuz he had to go soon (this game was for first place and his parents were coming to pick him
up early) and i made a bunch of mistakes b/c i didnt slow down and think, just rushed through my turns, still i managed to whittle him down to 17 cards, but i should of won
that game...
Good: Getting Kessel in my opening hand which kept his diff down
Bad:He got a god hand, and overan me, not doing the Arcona thing.
So I end up coming in 7th because of how much I lost my last game by, since there was only one undefeated it came down to diff, and the Arcona would of saved me at least some of that...oh well. I get my pack of DSII and pull an Overseeing It Personally...alright! (with sarcasm) Mike came in 5th and Eddo came in 12th. We went back to Eddo’s house late cuz his dad did’nt leave his house fast enough, and when we get there my mom’s already waiting, and Eddo’s dad pushes 2 slices of pizza and a Mountain Dew into my hand as I rush out the door...cool.
UBER PROPS:
Eddo and his Dad, for letting me borrow sooo many cards, giving me food, and arranging rides and sleeping etc. so that I could go to the tourney.
Props:
Eddo’s dad, for listening to Black Sabbath
Mike for letting me borrow cards
Eddo for leting me borrow cards
Ivan for letting me borrow a second DLOTS (i used him a ton)
The Star Wars Gangsta Rap, for being funny as hell
Pizza, for being the @#$%
Mike Gemme for giving me the idea for BHBM 7’s
Hayes Hunter, for helping me out with my Court
Adam Weinstein, for seeing the potential in my MBO
Slops
Games Galore, for not having air conditioning
Mike Kimosh, for being away all week so I couldnt playtest
The Bastards that rated my MBO low, cuz it’s got huge potential
Podracing
Family Vacations