dpc-hotlanta-july-28th-2001
Title: dpc-hotlanta-july-28th-2001
Author: Sander "Chris Work" Hartlage
Date: Jul 30, 2001
Trying to cram as much fun into one weekend as humanly possible, Team Knoxville traveled to Atlanta on the weekend of the 28th for water park madness, hardcore DPC action, and illicit bachelor party craziness. Team Knoxville consists of Chris "MufinElder" Work (rating before the tournament: 1638), Matt "Furry Fury" Mathison (1822), John "1ManScanCrew" Camp (1641 [the bachelor party was in his honor]), and me, Sander "Chris Work" Hartlage (1695). As much as we wanted Clint "Gamemaster" Hays (2147) to help us bring glory to the name of "Team Knoxville," he now somehow thinks he’s too good to go to UT. Eh, but I may be wrong. He’ll be begging to join Team Knoxville when DecipherCon comes around, I’m sure of it.
I’ll break up this report into the DPC proper, then a round-by-round description of our post-tourney festivities. If you don’t want to read about them, just skip over the "Phase 2" part and go right to props and slops.
I copied this from Word, and then tried my best to remove the tags. But since I don’t fully understand what causes the tags in the first place, some might get by me. Don’t be too harsh.
Phase 1: The DPC Report
Because I work, my friends work, and John Camp actually lives in Huntsville, I didn’t have too much time to properly playtest my decks. What I uneasily settled on for the tournament was a LS Mains deck hastily named "Melissa Alford Is Super Hot" (they make you name the deck on your deck list, and that was the best I could think of at the time because Matt Alford’s sister really is a total super-babe.). It starts Obi-Wan’s Hut, the Careful Planning for Tosche Station. Baby Obi-Wan (that’s what I call Padawan Learner) deploys for 1 to the Hut, and boosts the Tosche activation by 6 when he’s there, setting up a reasonably huge activation platform for Tatooine mains. Matt Mathison described the deck as "the best piece of crap Sander’s ever built that wasn’t copied verbatim from DeckTech." I take that as a compliment. For reasons unknown, I stuck with my DS Dark Deal deck called "Matt Alford’s Sister Should’ve Come...". I cashed in on the initial rush of craziness for Palace Raiders by ordering Mercenary Pilots for $0.50 each right after JPSD came out, and now I’ve got about 11. My deck utilized Merc Pilots in Lift Tubes, along with typical Dark Side mains and high-destiny interrupts to create a battle-unfriendly environment on Cloud City, in an effort to set up Dark Deal and drain relatively unmolested. It didn’t work as well as I hoped, which is to say "not at all." I’ll probably post the Light Side deck because many people were intrigued by the Tosche Station start, but since my Dark Side was a scrubbish pile of crappy crap, it’s better to leave that deck a mystery to all but the select few.
We’re set up to stay with my good buddy Ravikanth in his room on the GA Tech campus. He tells us that it’s "a little bad," but we find out that that, in Ravispeak, means "abject squalor." The frat house that Ravi stayed in was something straight out of a slasher film, complete with eerie courtyard, abandoned gym equipment, and a powerfully spooky bathroom. Ravi’s room itself is not too bad, but it’s kinda bad when you fear for your life whenever you gotta take a piss, which, if you’re like me, is pretty often. We playtest our decks some more on Friday night while Matt Alford (one of the guys we came down with who doesn’t play SWCCG) just got drunker and drunker. We fall asleep on the floor by using our travel bags as makeshift pillow, and our jackets as half-ass blankets. Allegedly, Matt Mathison woke in the middle of the night to find me powerfully cuddling with John in my sleep, but Matt Mathison is very prone to lie about things like that. Now let’s never speak of it again.
We tried to derive weird powers from Denny’s food before the tournament, but realized that they 1.) no longer serve "the Damn Brownie," 2.) the closest facsimile is chocolate pie, 3.) the chocolate pie is ass, and 4.) Denny’s has horrendous service. We narrowly made it to "the War Room" in time. The War Room is a huge monster game store with a back gaming area about as big as two K.G.B.’s (that’s the lame-ass place we’d play at in Knoxville that finally went out of business due to bad management or something). It massively ruled, as the entirety of the DPC (63 players total, I think) took up only about a third of the gaming area, with plenty of room left for L5R, Magic, random board games, Warhammer, and about four simultaneous and unrelated AD&D campaigns going at once. All the room was a welcome change. We got underway a little after 12:00, and I was set to play Chris McClure.
ROUND 1: My "Tube High To Die" Deck vs. Chris McClure’s (1670) Shmi’s Hut/Baragwin/Useless 7 Pile.
John knew Andy and Chris McClure and introduced me to them briefly before the tournament started. I knew of them because I totally copied Andy’s ISB Scum deck "All Your Base Are Belong To Us" to play at States. So I expected a challenge and got one.
I started TWIGWATT with the Carbonite Chamber and Secret Plans. Prepared Defenses got out TINT/OE, Crush The Rebellion, and I’m Sorry. Chris started the Slave Quarters, the HFTMF for Insurrection, YISWY, and Staging Areas. To start the game, I grabbed the West Gallery, and the Chasm Walkway with I’m Sorry, and Evader & Monnok with Crush. I deployed the sites to boost activation and dropped a Pilot in Tube, or something else very non-threatening and let him have his turn. He set up with Shmi to the Quarters and pulled 3PO, got out H1:DB and a Baragwin. I try to set up Dark Deal the next turn or two, leaving each site scantly defended and relying on the reacting prowess of my Lift Tube to dissuade attackers, while Chris pimps his Baragwins for extra DB activation. A boner searching move lets him see my deck early on, and I get to see his deck about the next turn. I see no space, and start to lose all my expensive BH ships and space interrupts to his drains, which he had set up with Jedi Luke, Han With Gun, and Horn on one of my CC sites. So I kiss any thought of setting up Dark Deal good-bye. I ping him for drains of two at CC and the West gallery, while he hits me at the Carbonite Chamber for two. Midgame, I exploit a lone Baragwin at the Hoth DB with Mara and Janus, causing him to lose 7. Emperor comes the next turn, and later they all move to the Tat:DB. Who wants to fight that? Nobody I know. The drain of two there goes unmolested for the remainder of the game. Boussh blocks a drain of mine, but my Tubes let me get away from her. Den Of Thieves stymies his drains to a crawl. After a few minor skirmishes with Qui-Gon, I finally drained him out. He just kinda ran out of steam when all he was drawing on his turns was a bunch of Ewok Catapults and Bionic Hands. After a very long game with massive retrieval on his part, I manage a full win by 12.
So far: 2 (+12)
Highs: OS-72-1 In Obsidian 1 dropped second turn and drained him at CC ALL GAME. Halfway through, I even put back the Dark Maneuvers & Tallon Roll I was holding in my hand for protection (P.S. in case you didn’t know, OS-72-1 Tallon Rolls like a chest-pounding ANIMAL at CC. He can’t be beat!!). Also, a lone Pilot in Tube held his own against Jedi Luke in a very early battle. Don’t ask me how, but suffice it to say that he did.
Lows: Chris must’ve retrieved exactly one million Force throughout the course of that game. Also, Chris didn’t have with him an English version of the Japanese Rebel Barrier he was using. If I was a bigger @#$%head, I could’ve raised a fuss and gotten him "penalized". But I wasn’t a @#$%head.
Consulting with the rest of Team Knoxville after the first round, I found that everyone won, and we all won by similar amounts. We worried about having to play and subsequently eliminate each other in the following rounds. Then we worried about finding a bathroom clean enough to use. Then we worried about our next pairings some more. Luckily, we didn’t have to play one another.
ROUND 2: My "Obi-Wan Doesn’t Even Live Here Yet" Deck vs. Eric Heinig’s (1903) Maul Mains Deck.
I’d never met Eric Heinig before, but the name seems strangely familiar. He turns out to be a nice guy, and, like myself, enjoys friendly trash-talking throughout the game, both when he’s doing well and when he’s doing bad. He couldn’t think of witty name for his deck when I asked him, so I settled on the mind-numbingly bland "Maul Mains Deck". Hope he doesn’t mind.
He starts the Landing Site, then Prepared Defenses for Crush The Rebellion, YCHF, and I Will Find Them Quickly, Master (IWFTQM). I reveal the Hut, and he seems to recognize the deck. I tell him to guess my start, and he makes some tries, like City Outskirts, Lars’ Farm, etc. I show Tosche Station, which intrigues him, but not enough to confuse and bewilder him and subsequently affect his gameplay. Damn. First turn, he pulls If The Trace Was Correct, deploys the Holotable, and Maul to the Landing site. On my turn, I drop Padme (from hand. Nuts!) to the Hut, and she pulls Obi-Wan for mad-cheap deploy. I’ve got enough left to move them both over to Tosche Station. His turn, he curses Amidala’s presence at a battleground, then proceeds to deploy Vader With Lightsaber and beat up on my guys. It’s at this point that I make the decision that he’s not playing with Probe Droids, and assume that the usual card space for 2-4 Probe Droids is probably now 2-4 more Senses. I clutch my SAC closely to my chest. Vader swings at Obi-Wan and misses, and our attrition takes out Vader and Amidala. He draws up to end his turn with a hand that’s fatter than I am. My turn, I activate about a billion (more like 12, really, but that’s damn good for 2nd turn) and proceed to flood the terrain with my fatties. Han With Gun and Qui-Gon come in for support, with Jedi Luke showing up at the Outskirts during the next few turns. He hits me with 1 drain for 2 at the Landing Site, but HOTJ put an end to that mess. He pulls Mara at the Audience Chamber in a sick mockery of me pulling Luke. A strangely un-Sensed Nabrun finds Mara dead dead dead at the hands of Han With Gun, Leia With Gun, and Lando With Vibro-Ax. He piles more guys to beat on me at the Chamber, and I Nabrun away before battle begins. Maul finally gets his saber and stomps over the Obi-Wan’s Hut with mischief on his mind. At this point, I’ve been steadily draining him for about 3-5 a turn, and have beaten him in battles for a loss of about 10-15 total from Life Force, so I’m clearly in the lead. But then he drops the Cantina and puts Palpatine with his drinking buddy Sim Aloo there. This satifies the elusive third battleground to shut off Honor. I devise a great move to try to stymie the drain of four at the Hut. I move Obi-Wan over to block off Maul. On his turn I then Clash Of Sabers Maul, thinking that we’ll just sit around staring at each other for two turns while I snap off some more drains. Unfortunately, due to my on-again-off-again retardation ("Pee ay ess kyoo yoo eye en eye. That spells ’swimmer.’"), he Crushes my Clash, then lays a Beatdown Bell Grande on Obi-Wan. That burns about 11 cards from my Life Force and gives him a foothold at the Hut. We battle and drain back and forth, but he eventually overwhelms my forces, leaving me with only the Jundland Wastes and a prayer. Harc Seff comes way too late to stop the Cantina drain, and he finally finishes me off. It’s really close, though, as he wins by only 9.
So far: 2 (+3)
Highs: For most of the game, I dominated him with superior activation (my 16 to his 9), and my SAC held up pretty well against his SAC (I run 4 Sense, 2 Sense & RIF, and 2 Alter). I made it my mission at the start of the game to prove to Eric that Tosche Station was a valid start (he kinda scoffed at it to begin with) and, even though I lost, I think Eric went away with a new outlook on Tosche Station ("I’ll be picking up power converters ALL GAME!!").
Lows: CRUSH THE REBELLION CANCELS CLASH OF SABERS!! I use Crush in my own Dark deck! What the hell was I thinking?! Obviously not very much.
Team Knoxville went 2-2 that game, with Chris Work and Matt Mathison advancing, and John Camp and I going back to sit at the scrub table. Chris Work destroys his little-kid opponent for about 30, so he’s very highly ranked right now. That comes back to totally bite him in the @#$% when he has to play Clint the next round. Better the just lay low in the middle like I’m doing, then exploding in the later rounds, right?
ROUND 3: My "Tubular" Dark Deck vs. Geoff Gallo-Cornell’s (1526) WYS Podracing (mental note: #1).
Once again, I’d never met Geoff before, but before the game he told me that he doesn’t go to tournaments very often. This bodes well, I thought. Geoff is a good guy, but due to his lack of experience at tournaments, he tended to be a little forgetful (he must’ve forgotten 3 times to draw race destiny, and forgot to Force drain about twice). Had this not been a DPC, I would’ve gladly let him go back, but money was on the line, so I mildly censured him and told him not to forget in following games.
I start TDIGWATT, Carbonite Chamber, and Secret Plans, then Prepared Defenses for Crush, I’m Sorry, and TINT/OE (just for a free grabber and to get that 1 out of my deck). He puts out WYS, Tatooine, Cantina, the DB, Podrace Arena, Anakin’s Pod, Boonta’s Eve, and Squadron Assignments. Podrace Prep goes back into his reserve. I start off by grabbing my sites, and an Evader & Monnok to keep his hand size low. I drop the sites and put a Pilot in a Tube to one of my sites. Then he starts the Podrace (during my deploy phase. Hmm, must be some secret tech). He gets out Kessel and puts Dash in Outrider there. Over the next two turns, I stack two Lift Tubes on the race, and he’s got a slew of cards there totaling 13 (I find that absolutely hilarious). I set up Dark Deal with Pilots in Tubes everywhere while eating drains at Kessel, and he sets up Menace Fades with Jedi Luke, Melas, and a Ralltiir Freighter Captain at the Cantina. I drop Boba Fett and Bossk in their ships to beat up Mirax in Skate alone at Tatooine, causing about 4 overflow, and to discourage Celebrating. Next turn, I drop Darth Maul and 4-LOM to the Cantina, grab I Have You Now with Crush and initiate. My three destinies total 6, while he draws a 6 and a 4. I want to puke as I lose both, while Melas covers his attrition. Gahd. On his next turn, Geoff drains me, and then deploys some guys to the Outrider at Kessel to ensure Menace Fades’ permanence. It’s then that I accidentally stuble on some super WYS tech. I decide that I’ll put some forfeit fodder up as a passenger on the Slave I, move Boba to block the Kessel drain and hope that he gets so excited beating up on Boba that he forgets to move over to Tatooine to reinstate Menace Fades. I sigh as I search my hand for the sacrificial lamb. It end up deploying DARTH MAUL as forfeit fodder to the Slave I. Then it hits me that he can’t initiate battle there, and I can drain right through him, and he doesn’t control for Menace Fades. I cringe as I pull a fat Jar Jar move, prevailing despite of idiocy. I move the Maul-laden Slave I to Kessel. We play cat-and-mouse games back and forth from Kessel to Tatooine, with the end result of him never being able to drain me in space, and me canceling his drains at the Cantina with Den Of Thieves. Finally, I drop Zuckuss to the other system, ensuring that the Menace Fades no more. I finish him with big, beefy, and extremely menacing Dark Deal drains for 10, ending up with a full win by 10.
So far: 4 (+13)
Highs: The Fake Falcon only has passenger space enough for 1, which Geoff stuffed with Ralltiir Cap’ns. This prevented him from dropping the Melas he had in his hand to finally end my Maul tomfoolery. He cursed the Outrider’s passenger capacity to no end.
Lows: He set up at Kessel and the Cantina so quickly that I lost about 15 Force to drains there. I spent lots of time frantically searching for my Den Of Thieves, which cost me valuable force I could’ve used to beat him down at the Cantina. Maul demanded "great justice" for his early defeat there, but had to go unsatisfied.
Team Knoxville is all over the place now, yet Matt Mathison remains undefeated. We swap some stories about what went on during our game. Seems like I was the only scrub that didn’t already know about Maul’s powerful "back seat driving" skills. I hang my head in shame.
ROUND 4: My "Minor Character" Deck vs. Austin Sheppard’s (1701) Walker Garrison
Austin was another new face for me, and like the rest, turned out to be an okay guy. He told me that he didn’t come to tournaments very often, but his rating told a different story. Oh well.
I start the Hut and Tosche Station (he didn’t expect the Station, either) while he starts the 5th Marker, then Prepared Defenses for YMSYL, IAO, and Mob. Points. He goes in to get the 3rd Marker, Walker Garrison, and Admiral Piett with YMSYL and Imp. Command, respectively. He deploys the Executor DB with Merrejk and gets Hoth to boost his activation. I fly out of the gate with a Qui-Gon to Tosche Station, and drop Honor that I drew in my opening hand. He sets up Igar in a Blizzard Walker at the 3rd Marker, and puts Piett down, and I do my best to Sense anything that I don’t like going on. After a few turns, I’ve got Obi-Wan with his saber at the Cantina, Luke with his saber and Han With Gun at Tosche Station, and Qui-Gon with his saber at the Outskirts. This is what prompts Austin to say, "You’re not playing a MAINS deck, are you?" and my obligatory wisenheimer response of "Of course not! Who’s this Qui-Gon guy? Probably some random Cantina alien or something." Anyway, Austin’s got Veers and Merrejk (he shuttled down) on Blizzard 1 at the Hoth Docking Bay, a random Blizzard Walker with Igar and some numpties at the 3rd Marker, an Imperial Walker with an Ice Storm at the 5th Marker, and the Executor at Hoth (this stops Honor and puts Imperial Decree into effect). I see a weakness at the Docking Bay, but Han is necessary for the full beat-down effect. At the end of his turn, I On The Edge Han With Gun naming 6. I draw a 4, Han dies, and Austin grabs the Edge, bewildered as to why the hell I just did that. I show him next turn, as I activate on the order of 18 Force, then deploy Han With Gun, Leia With Gun, Chewie Pro, Harc Seff and 3PO. Chewie scares General Veers into forgetting how to drive an AT-AT and we battle. I get three destiny for a total of 6 (I can’t believe it either) while he draws a 1 or something. I kill Merrejk, make him lose some from Life Force, and then attrit 3PO. Next turn, he uses Walker Garrison, which I Sense at a cost of 2 Force (would’ve hurt a lot more if I hadn’t), drains me for some, pings me for some, forgets to move the Ice Storm, and deploys some more numpties to Blizzard 1. I blank Veers again, we battle, and start to whittle away at each other’s forces. I use Throw Me Another Charge (aka "Shuffle My Reserve", or "Throw Me, Baby, One More Charge") at the end of his turn, and then track it for the rest of the game. He never moves his Ice Storm for some reason, and we battle at the DB every turn, and every turn he Imperial Commands me to limit my draw to just the 6 I tracked. My beats are finally too much, and he falls, but not after doing serious YMSYL damage. Full win by 10.
So far: 6 (+23)
Highs: My trick with On The Edge turned out to equal serious pain with the extra 4 power and extra battle destiny at the DB. I commend myself for such an unorthodox tactic (I am Grand Admiral Thrawn!!), but only as far as it’s proper to pat oneself on their own back.
Lows: YMSYL direct damage HURTS!! It’s like bleeding uncontrollably. I always thought the direct damage was just icing on the proverbial cake, but now I know it’s THE reason people play that deck.
Team Knoxville is tired and hungry, not being used to tournaments that a only halfway over after four rounds. For some odd reason, we’re behind in time, so Jim Colson denies us a lunch break, telling us to just grab something to eat whenever we can. Chris Work and I took circuitous routes to get there, but somehow we end up at 6 (+24) and 6 (+23), respectively. The pairing gods decide to spit on us and make us fight one another the next round.
ROUND 5: My "Tube Job" Deck vs. Chris Work’s (1638) "Podraping" WYS Deck (mental note: #2).
Chris Work is a stupid, ugly Republican who can eat a big fat @#$%. I went to High School with that clown. I hope he dies. He’s not his parent’s favorite child for a very, very good reason. He can take his tax cuts for the rich and shove ’em!!
I start what I always start, and Chris starts the usual WYS/Podraping crap, deploying Squadron Assignments and stamping out the last rays of hope for a shred of originality. I grab my sites and an Evader & Monnok. Due to WYS Podraping giving up massive gobs of Force, I’m able to Monnok Chris first turn and shoot down two of his On The Edges (I would’ve gotten two Out Of Commissions, too, but Chris Work’s first action of the game was to OOC me. What a bastard!). I don’t tempt him with an easy target of a Pilot in Tube, and instead draw my remaining Force. Chris sets up at Tatooine and the Cantina because his deck is a total carbon copy cookie cutter crappy crap deck. We both play our own games for a while, but due to the expensive nature of my starships, I never get a hold of Cloud City fast enough. The game is uneventful until I stupidly attack Wedge (old-skool) and Theron Nett at Tatooine with Zuckuss in Mist Hunter with 4-LOM in the back seat. Chris draws a destiny (a 6) to add to power, and I draw two, a 1 and a 6. He says, "I’ll cancel the 6," and I believe him, not realizing until waaaaay afterwards that he’s using the WRONG GODDAMN WEDGE!! OLD SKOOL WEDGE DOESN’T CANCEL @#$%!! WHAT THE HELL?! My huge 7 attrition was reduced to a puny @#$% 1 because Chris Work is a lying, cheating summamabeeeeitch. I have to lose Zuckuss to cover the damage, plus three cards from reserve, and he doesn’t have to lose @#$%, AND he continues Celebrating. Eh... He doesn’t have the Force saved to retrieve once he wins the Podrape, and the end of the game is reduced to a silly little drain race, which stupid, ugly Chris Work wins. Full loss by 21.
So far: 6 (+2)
Highs: None. I’m a total retard.
Lows: Everything. I need to pay more attention to what Chris Work is cheating with, I need to get Dark Deal set up faster, and I don’t need to be playing Chris Work in a tournament in the first place!! We’re Team Knoxville! We shouldn’t fight! We should be friends!!
P.S. I didn’t mean all that bad stuff I said about Chris Work. That was all just venting anger for him beating me. Chris is a good guy. But he IS ugly and stupid.
Because Chris Work and I finished at the exact same time, we went off to lunch at Arby’s (yes, we were THAT hungry). The guy there gave me some strawberry sauce to dip my fried jalapenos with, and that caught the interest of one of the AD&D guys. He came up to me asking, "Hey, what’s that you’re eating? Is it good? Where can I get some sauce like that?" and other random, AD&D-player-type questions. I @#$%ed and moaned to Chris Work throughout lunch, constantly telling him to "eat a @#$%." John Camp finished his game with his third loss, and Matt Mathison scored his first loss that round. Things looked grim for Team Knoxville. The pairings for the next round got screwed up about three times, first by a duplicate match-up (I think), then by command cards sticking together, THEN by someone losing their command card and having to be inserted in later, so we started that round super late.
ROUND 6: My "Natalie Portman Rocks!" Deck vs. Rick Stepp’s (1497) Walker Garrison Deck.
After Jim Colson and crew finally decided to stop shifting us around, I got paired to play Rick Stepp. He seemed like a jolly enough guy, but I kinda angered him towards the end of the game when I refused to let him take back some actions. Again, if the tournament wasn’t for money...
Rick starts the 5th Marker, and Prepared Defenses brings out YMSYL, IAO, and TINT/OE. I start the Hut and Tosche Station (Rick is the third guy to be impressed by my opening). He pulls the Executor DB, the 3rd Marker and Walker Garrison and puts Merrejk down, and goes in for the Hoth system. It’s not there, so I get to peek at his deck, which turns out to be decent, and has some random tech in it. I get Qui-Gon with his lightsaber to Tosche Station first turn, which equals gigantic activation. Rick drops Blizzard 1 with Veers to the 3rd Marker, and goes and gets Hoth for real this time. Then comes the part I will never, ever understand. My next turn, I drain him for 2, and he loses something random and Imperial Decree. I get out Obi-Wan and Mirax, drop the Outskirts and draw some. His next turn, he drains me for two, and pings me for one. Then he deploys No Escape, taking Imperial Decree back to his hand. I Mirax randomly and pull Obi-Wan’s Lightsaber. Now comes the totally unfathomable part. My next turn, I drain him for three, and he loses IMPERIAL DECREE AGAIN, along with a Restraining Bolt because I "use Mirax and not 3PO" (I dropped 3PO two turns later). I give Obi his saber, dropped the Cantina, put Leia With Gun there, pull Luke and give him his saber, which was in my hand. Obi and Mirax move to the Cantina where they’re safe from Walkers, and Luke and Qui-Gon switch places (so I activate +8 at Tosche Station). He drains me and pings me some more, and drops Chiraneau in a Blizzard Walker to Marker 5 (?). Note that Imperial Decree would now be in effect, which would’ve stopped my drain bonuses of +3 from the sabers. Oh well. On my turn, he asks me why I’m draining for so much, so I point out that I’ve got a lightsaber at every location. He doesn’t even notice that he could’ve had Decree going. I drop Han With Gun, and Harc Seff to the Hoth DB to absorb his drain for two next door, then walk Leia outside, then Nabrun her over to join them. He sets up a little Vader/Tarkin outpost in the Jundland wastes while draining my in space with the Chimaera. I give Leia her daddy’s saber to add to the pain (did he even know what Decree did?). He finally blocks me off at the docking bay with Igar, Veers, Guri and various nastiness, so I drop the Falcon with a Landing Claw there to make my getaway hoping to latch on to the Chimaera in case of any funny stuff.. Qui-Gon stomps over to block Vader’s drain, and there’s a little battle. The almost-killing blow was dealt when Qui-Gon Clashed Vader, then Lando and Corran dropped to battle Tarkin at the Wastes. I hit Tarkin and caused about 12 damage overflow, then spread my guys out to get in more drains. He got so excited about initiating against my lone Lando with his Vader (who was still Clashed) that he forgot to Force drain and make me lose to YMSYL. I drain him out the next turn for a full win by 21.
So far: 8 (+23)
Highs: My activation was god-like and allowed me to do basically as I pleased all game. His boner move of losing Decree twice really helped me, seeing as how I got all FOUR unique lightsabers out to drain with.
Lows: I didn’t like having to be a @#$% and not letting him go back to his control phase to drain me and make me lose Force to Landing, but, again, that’s a mistake one just shouldn’t make at the DPC. Plus, it was for about 7 damage, which could’ve put me one or two places further down the rankings. Still, he wasn’t too happy about it.
Team Knoxville had broken up into Matt Mathison at the grown-up’s table, Chris Work and me right in the middle of the competition, and John Camp just barely missing sitting at the scrub table. Fatigue had started to set in, and we were all looking forward to finishing the DPC with 5-3 records, then getting piss-ass drunk and seeing strippers. But that was still many hours away.
ROUND 7: My "This Deal Is Getting Darker All The Time" Deck vs. Jed Humphries’ (1602) WYS Podracing (mental note: #3!!)
Jed was a nice guy, I guess. He didn’t really say or do that much. I got nothing against him, but playing Jed was nothing to jump up and down about.
I start what I always do, and Jed starts what all those damn carbon copy cookie cutter crappy crap decks start (Podracing with Squadron Assignments). I Monnok him to no avail, then draw up searching for some fatties to set up Dark Deal with. He does his little smuggler thing, like all those decks do, by flashing a guy and putting him at Tatooine. I drop some Merc Pilots in Tubes to different sites, but Battle Plan was giving me fits trying to harm him. I could never muster enough Force to be able to deploy a space beat-down crew, so I guess that Jed assumed I didn’t have any ships at all in my deck. He deploys Dash in ’Rider and Mirax in Skate to Cloud City, followed by Theron Nett in Red Whatever. Since I can’t muster enough Force to compete with that, and since I can’t Tallon Roll Dash or Mirax, I just abandon any thought of playing Dark Deal. My biggest error in judgment comes when I deploy Darth Maul early to Cloud City, instead of later to the Cantina, or aboard a BH ship to CC. Darth Maul just sat there like an idiot paying three to drain while Jed ripped me up by draining at the Cantina, Tatooine, and CC. I wanted to spit. My deck had never done so poorly. Despite my attempts to stop the bleeding with Den Of Thieves, I lost by 28. This was an unremarkable, frustrating game.
So far: 8 (-5)
Highs: None. I played like I had just gotten a brainectomy. "Pee ay ess kyoo yoo eye en eye."
Lows: My BH ships are SOOOO expensive. And independent starships’ immunity to Tallon Roll angers me to no end. Now Jed Humpries thinks I’m a total scrub. Gahd.
Team Knoxville’s goal was to have everyone at least go 5-3. Things are looking grim for that by now, as John, Chris, and I all have 3 losses already. But strip club time is approaching, so, the way I see it, we’re all winners anyway.
ROUND 8: My "Baby Obi-Wan Has His Uses!!" Deck vs. Landon Sommers’ "Landing Site Mains" Deck
Landon’s a good guy, even if he thinks of the most lame-ass name in the universe for his deck. But, I vowed to record if anyone’s deck had a name, and so I will.
Landon starts the Landing Site, and uses Combat Readiness for Jabba’s Palace. I start the Hut, of course, and put Tosche Station on the opposite side of the Hut from the Landing Site, to keep a first-turn Maul from dropping for free then moving over and ruining my activation. At this point, we look at our four cards on the table, then from side to side at other games where people have 6-10 starting cards already out. We’re thinking about trying to get a prize for the most scant start in the tournament, but then remember that Tomyako isn’t running the it and there probably won’t be prizes for stupid jank. Landon drops the Audience Chamber from his hand, then fishes the Lower Passages out of his deck, and draws up. I drop Obi-Wan to his hut for 1, exclaim, "Now that’s some CHEAP deploy!" and move him over to Tosche Station. Landon’s next turn has him pulling Mara to the Chamber, her pulling her stick, and then Maul showing up at the Landing Site with his stick, causing Landon to exclaim "Now THAT’S some CHEAP deploy!" I had to agree. We pile our guys up here and there, and end up with Maul at the Cantina, Emperor, Mara, Jabba, and Gailid at the Chamber, Obi-Wan and Leia at Jabba’s Palace, and Qui-Gon at Tosche Station. We drain each other for gobs and gobs each turn, and do our best to SAC whatever the other guy’s doing. Some minor skirmishes leave no one with the upper hand. Harc Seff stops the bleeding at the Chamber, Clash cancels the Presence he was using to hurt me, but my beat down via Nabrun on a lone Mighty Jabba was thwarted by his overpowering amounts of SAC. His SAC superiority comes back to kill me in a big way when I underestimate just how many damn Senses he’s using. I track a TMAC to play On The Edge, protecting it with a Sense and Alter in my hand. But this kid’s got SAC coming out his ASS!! This is how it goes:
ME: "I’ll play On The Edge on Leia naming 5."
HIM: "Sense"
ME: "Alter your Sense"
HIM: "Sense your Alter"
ME: "Sense your Sense"
HIM: "Control your Sense"
ME: "God damn it!!"
Anyway, he wins the SAC war on both my On The Edges, and I never get to retrieve. The game comes down to a close, close, CLOSE loss by 4.
So far: 8 (-9)
Highs: I fought the good fight against Landon, and once again proved that Tosche Station is a powerful start for Tatooine Mains. And that’s what I’m really after: to raise awareness of the Tosche Station start.
Lows: You’d think 6 Senses and 2 Alters would be enough to hold my own against most every Dark Side out there. Obviously not. Plus, a bad decision by me probably cost the game, as I opted to battle Darth Maul and kill him with my tracked 6 instead of using it On The Edge. I found out later that he didn’t have a Sense in his hand that turn. Sigh...
Everyone in Team Knoxville reaches their mark of 5-3 except for me. I’m a total scrub. But I’ve learned my lesson: Merc Pilots is Lift Tubes suck. Sander Hartlage will have his revenge come DecipherCon!! You haven’t heard the last of me!!
FINAL: 8 (-9)
If you’d like, you can skip this next part about Team Knoxville’s post-tourney activities and go right to props and slops. I’m just warning you that it gets a little blue...
Phase 2: the Strip Club Report
Disheartened from my craptastic showing at the DPC, my spirits rapidly rose as if a Mercenary Pilot in some sort of Lift Tube as we all resolved to get stupid drunk and look at some titties. Our bachelor partying place of choice was a nice little place called "Boomers," chosen because it’s basically the only place that’d let the under-21 half of Team Knoxville enter. But since Atlanta strip clubs are mired in baseless accusations of corruption, Boomers can’t serve alcohol. On the plus side, though, the girls at Boomers are allowed to take all of their clothes off, so this wasn’t some half-ass "topless" place. But before we could go, we had to get a little tipsy.
ROUND 1: Getting the liquor and drinking it in Ravi’s room
My good buddies Ravi Pentapaty and Matt Alford (whose sister is totally, totally hot) didn’t go the DPC because they unbellyfeel Star Wars cards, but they were good for something: getting drinks ready for us by the time we got back. Our tech choices for the evening: John Camp went for Michelob, Matt Mathison went for cheap-ass wine, Chris Work teched against the "beer before liquor" environment by jumping straight to The Captain and Coke, while I opted for Courvoisier and 7-Up. These, I think, were some pretty good match-ups for the evening. Ravi, unfortunately, was pretty tired from waiting for us to finish our tournament and wanted to rush to the strip club. We only got about two drinks in each, and had to spit in the face of Georgia’s "open container" laws to appease both Ravi’s @#$%ing and our primal need to get really stupid drunk. By the time we got there, we’re all feeling kinda smiley, but I wanted to feel ziggedy-ziggedy-ziggedy by this time. I’d give myself a timed loss by 10 for this round, since I wanted to be @#$%faced, but was only giggledy.
Me: 0 (-10)
World: 1 (+10)
Highs: Courvoisier is so smooth and creamy it even makes 7-Up drinkable.
Lows: Ravi’s @#$%ing. And the lack of a high BAC was definitively lame.
Team Knoxville had a good outlook coming into Round 2. We didn’t get gaffled by One Time for our five open containers in the car, which is always a plus, and arrived at Boomers without much incident (except that Ravi’s stupid @#$% got lost). We sorted out our money and readied ourselves for some naked chicks.
ROUND 2: Entering the strip club
Atlanta is full of perverts, and Boomers was no exception, as it was pretty packed for a place that doesn’t serve alcohol. We do find a table in the back close enough to the runway to get a good view, but still far enough back that we don’t have to tip the girls. The waitress (who was unfortunately clothed) took our orders for sodas and ginger ale, and I got a pack of Black and Milds cause I’m super cool. The first stripper up there had an unoriginal routine, but gigantic knockers, which was a good meta choice for the environment. We sit back and try to tip as little as possible while the girls go through their entire rotation (Boomers only sported about eight strippers). The lineup goes a little something like: blonde chick with huge breasts, brunette with a tongue ring and killer body, a natural little white girl with freakishly long hair, a really short brunette, a black chick with, in the words of Matt Mathison, "the wiggledy jiggledy", some Spanish-looking chick that was a big hit with the Latinos, some lame black girl that only got about $3 in tips, and some super-hot blonde chick that must’ve given 8,000 table dances to the guys next to us. If it were up to me, I would’ve taken out the short chick to give the blonde some time up on the runway, but obviously somebody felt that the short girl was more powerful. Anyway, this round consisted of just a lot of smoking and objectifying women. Worth mentioning were the powerful stains on my pants that only appeared under the strip club’s black light. Trying to see if they spelled anything out (I had a suspicion they either spelled "nema natas" or "DKNY") I stood up. Matt Mathison, with all his social graces, yells out "Oh my God! Sander jizzed all over himself!! Like, 12 times!!" Needless to say, I was a short-lived spectacle for everyone there, until all the guys realized that there was nudity going on and paid me no more attention. To this day, I still can’t positively identify the stains (I know they weren’t jizz, because if I could jizz that amount, that fast, I wouldn’t have any need for a strip club). The only powerful move anyone pulled this round was by this guy that looked so much like Clint Hays, I swear it had to be him. In true Star Wars fashion, let’s just call him "Cliint Haays". Cliint was mesmerized by the big-tittied black chick and must’ve given her $30 in tips. Except, instead of waiting for her to do her seductive little shimmy, then slipping the money into her tip-garter like normal people do, Cliint would just drop his money all over the runway. He must’ve totally gotten off on seeing her pick money off the ground or something. An important thing to note here is that due to recent shenanigans in Atlanta, customers aren’t allowed to touch the strippers under harsh penalties of law. That means no lap dances, either. Suck. Not wanting to tempt One Time, everyone in the gentleman’s club remained a gentleman. Even Cliint. Because there was only one totally awful girl, and a majority of the strippers were hot and powerfully naked, this round goes as a full win by 46. I find that reasonable.
Me: 2 (+36)
World: 1 (-36)
Highs: The chicks were hot, and very naked. Very, very naked.
Lows: Obviously disheartened by a recent falling-out with Shannon Bascka, Cliint Haays was reduced to dropping ones all over the place for some random stripper. How far the mighty have fallen...
Round 3 starts when we finally elect Matt Alford to be the guy sleazy enough to ask stripper #2 (the hot brunette with the tongue ring) to give us a table dance. We put the requisite $10 in her tip-garter and get underway.
ROUND 3: The table dance
The whole night we were scoping the strippers to see which one was "talented" enough. Unfortunately for all involved, lap dances are now illegal unless one goes to the VIP room, which costs $120 FOR A HALF-HOUR! Finding their terms to be unacceptable, we settle on the $10 table dance and a healthy imagination. Our stripper is a hot brunette in her late twenties with an incredible body wearing a nice little black outfit. She comes up to us and humanizes herself by asking us how we’re doing, then saying that she’s gotta go get a drink of water. She gets her water, and then gets naked. After giving us $10 worth of entertainment, she gets down off the table (still naked) and starts to give John Camp marriage advice. Then she told us her birthday was in a week. Now, I don’t have much experience with strippers, but I found it kinda hard to completely objectify a thirsty girl whose birthday was in a week. Even with our awkward brush with the "woman behind the tits," I consider the table dance round a full win by 70. Yeah, you heard me: "by 70."
Me: 4 (+106)
World: 1 (-106)
Highs: There was a naked girl on our table seductively trusting her pelvis in multiple directions. If that’s not a high, then nothing is.
Lows: None. Might I remind you that there was a powerfully hot naked chick contorted in sexually explicit positions on our table? There’s no downside to that.
We ogle more girls until the utterly incoherent DJ tells us that "gghuh murhhph hmmfh gurrdhu burhp furrnh!" I took that to mean that that was the last dance of the evening, seeing as it was 3:00 in the morning. As we file out into the parking lot, we pass the VIP room and see some crazy wacky wild-ass @#$% going down in there. We look upon our empty pocketbooks and despair... But solace comes when we return to Ravi’s powerfully haunted frat house to reinstate our buzz.
ROUND 4: Back to Ravi’s dorm to drink some more
I take some Pepto Bismol to quell my gastrointestinal distress, which excludes me from drinking since I don’t want to risk "side effects such as stomach bleeding." Ravi downs about five beers in 20 minutes, and then proceeds to stumble around comically for our amusement. His go at "Pin The Boobs On The Babe" ends in disaster when Ravi spills the water I used to take my pills (mixed with a hint of Courvoisier, since clean glasses don’t exist in Ravi’s room, and I didn’t want to risk getting hacked to pieces in the bathroom) all over his keyboard, causing massive keystroke problems. We accidentally rename his Internet Explorer "-------------------------------------------------------" before deciding to turn off the computer and making Ravi give us a tour around the campus. He does so amidst numerous interjections of "dude, I’m soooo drunk!!" We finally get to sleep around 6:00 am, since we’ve got to get up the next morning and drive back to Memphis. Ravi’s alarm clock goes off at around 7:00 and he spends two hours hitting the snooze button. When he finally comes to his half-alert senses and turns the goddamn thing off, I whisper to him, "Hey, Ravi." "What?" he asks, half asleep. "I hate you." We then both fall asleep. I was totally sober upon leaving the strip club and remained so throughout the night and early morning. I’d have to say this round went to the world. I get a full loss by 21.
Me: 4 (+85)
World: 3 (-85)
Highs: I think my dream that night consisted of stripper #2 thrusting her pelvis some more. And a hook-wielding psycho that we presumed dead last summer didn’t cut me up during the night. That’s always a plus.
Lows: Ravi’s alarm clock sucks. And Matt Mathison’s insane obsession with "making good time" causes much much much @#$%ing on his part.
We grab breakfast at Popeye’s, and I still owe John $5.54 he lent me to eat. The ride back to Memphis is uneventful. Except that we passed this hot chick a few times. My souvenirs from Hotlanta are a $0.99 marble-patterned notebook, some Black and Milds, two-thirds of a bottle of Courvoisier, and memories that will last a lifetime (awwwwwwww).
And now, my exhaustive list of props and slops:
MAD PROPS:
...to DeckTech for having the tournament, being the best resource for SWCCG anyone could ask for, and showing everyone in the world what the Internet should be like.
...to Jim Colson and his tournament crew for running the show.
...to the War Room for being a hardcore place to play.
...to Clint Hays for being @#$%ing unstoppable, winning it all, and deciding that he’s not too good for UT after all.
...to Brian Rippetoe, Paul Myers, and James Boyd for kicking some @#$% and winning some money.
...to that one stripper for being super hot, super naked, and dancing for us.
...to the powerful MILF in the Lazy River at the water park for being so powerfully hot and MILF-like.
PROPS:
...to Matt Mathison for driving.
...to John Camp for coming up from Huntsville to play and ogle naked chicks with us.
...to Ravi for providing us with a free roof over our heads, and getting powerfully @#$%faced and @#$%ing up his computer.
...to Matt Alford for being an okay guy after all, even if he did uninvite me to his New Year’s party.
...to Chris Work for going 5-3, and letting me use his name, and one day kill him and steal his face.
...to everybody I played, except Chris Work, for providing great competition.
...to Boomers for allowing and encouraging full nudity.
...to Cliint Haays for dropping money all over the @#$%ing place and making the strippers clean it up.
...to White Water for proving that being super fat has its advantages.
...to Mr. Courvoisier for making a powerfully delicious drink.
...to Melissa Alford for being a super hot fox. I asked her to marry me once. She didn’t actually say no, but...
...to Wanjashan brand soy sauce for depicting the Rebel Alliance’s "rising phoenix" symbol on their decanters.
...to that stripper for having freakishly long hair, and being super hot despite an absence of rack.
...to la Bella Stripper sans Merci for hathing Cliint Haays in thrall.
...to our hot waitress that let us duck under the two drink minimum because we tipped her.
...to the random chicks that came into the War Room. They weren’t super hot, but in a gaming store you gotta take what you can get.
...to One Time for keeping their damn noses out of our bidness.
SLOPS:
...to Matt Mathison for @#$%ing all the time.
...to Matt Mathison for bogarting the caramel apple chips.
...to Matt Mathison for calling my fat exactly 1,000,000 times this trip.
...to Matt Mathison for not getting us home in time to watch Buffy, my favorite half-hour of television.
...to Buffy, the Vampire Slayer for being such a long show and confusing the hell out of me.
...to Ravi for being a "drunk drunk."
...to Ravi’s goddamn alarm clock for making me dream that this stripper’s monkey box was beeping.
...to Melissa Alford for not coming.
...to Melissa Alford for not marrying me when I asked.
...to Chris Work for believing in the validity of trickle-down economics.
...to Chris Work for beating me.
...to the pairing gods for making me have to play Chris Work in the first place.
...to that stripper for only making $3 in tips.
...to Boomers for not serving alcohol.
...to me for scrubbing out and going 4-4.
MAD SLOPS:
…to the Delta Sigma Phi fraternity house at Georgia Tech for being a trashed-out, spook-nasty rathole.
…to Patrick Ewing for ruining the fun for us all concerning strippers. VIP room my ass!!
…to One Time for dropping the hammer on the Gambino crime family, subsequently robbing Team Knoxville of some much deserved lap dances.
Thanks for reading. Check out the TR’s by the rest of Team Knoxville, and check out my LS Deck, called "Melissa Alford Is Super Hot". Much love.
Sander Hartlage
"G’z up, hoes down! If that @#$% can’t swim, then she bound to drizzown!!"