melbourne-australia-3-9-2001
Title: melbourne-australia-3-9-2001
Author: Haakon ".prototype." Geburtstag
Date: Sep 2, 2001
so we get a really 5hitty turnout, but thats good cause then i can kick some 4ss, as opposed to being anally raped by adam, stuart or rod lee. im lookin to improve my rating somewhat, but i think that my mental barrier vs such good players makes me do some dam stupid things...but is ok. people i recognize: john lampe (whahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahaha), the tall bloke who looks like my cousin, and of course ronnie wilcox whos my hero. he tells me bout his night out with adam, and how he picked up a hooker while high on xtc. BIG props to ronnie, cause he’s a fkin legend. oh, other people...well, who WASNT there: adam, stuart, luca, rod, stu caldwell, basically any GOOD players. but yeah...kevs late, as always...so we get given our matchups:
oh, my decks are:
LS: podprofit
DS: project obsolete BHBM mk.2 (see my user page)
some jank decks i threw together the night b4, i couldnt b fuct putting together something solid. so:
game1:
my LS vs. tallguy’s SYCFA SD deck
this was a strange game. im pretty sure i played podprofit the way its sposed to be played: i won the race, i used i did it, i rescued han, and was spread out like a cheap whore over tatooine to make the most of my objective, yet it was still so close...odd. prolly cause he got some major drains going all over space, and well, being profit i didnt really give a jacking off jizmogloben about space. it was a force loss race, plain and simple. what really hampered his progress was his inability to pull a superlaser, even with his 4 dethstar gunnerz. hard luck man. i dont think we even had any battles on ground...fortunately i wasted a whole load of his destroyers with direct dam. wtf is this game, magic??? i litening bolt you for 4. bam. die.
FW +4
now the next matchup is me and my idol, ronnie. FARK. i showed him my fkin deck beforehand :P but he borrowed his LS from someone, and it was complete jank.
my DS vs ronnie ’got a lighter?’ wilcox’s hyperdrive deck
hwhaahahahah this was so funny. i didnt have Your Destiny, so that was the BALLZ of my deck gone. but i got a loco godhand with janus and sim, so i send empy with his mofos to watto jankyard. next turn, mara follows. during these 2 turns ronnie keeps drawing, and im thinkin wtf?! so these guys are drain 3 for pretty much the rest of the game...elsewhere, my other dudes run around trying to evade his quigon who is a rapemaster. ronnie and i play sloppy as anything, whenever a hot chick walks past we check out her a55 and forget bout the game, and its like, ’where the fcuk are we?’. anyway. he never flips, and i beat him by like 5 or something crap like that.
FW +5
props: ronnie really knows how to spot a fkin hot chick.
slops: having to play ronnie when i showed him my deck, but thats not all bad
the next matchup is announced, and im playing....WTF??!?! KEVIN?? the TD?? well, i know where the rulings are going in THIS game.
my DS vs kevin ch’ngs TIGiH Scouts
ARRRGHHH im such a fkin scrub. okay. being the genius i am i play the fkin emperor to the endor docking bay. kevins just watching me and thinking ’what a moron’. well its not my fault that TIGIH is a pile of headcheese and no one remembers its gametext. he plays a load of scouts to endor, beats up the emperor. i say, ’oh no!!’...play emperor to CC:db, he’s safe for a couple of turns, but im being drained like loco on endor...it hurts....all my vaders die...i try starting a fight using maul, the young b!tch vs a lone luke, but he pulls really fcuked destiny, and uses the -3 destiny scout interrupt on my 6. AARGH. whatta pain. i lose by about 22.
FL -22
props: rrgh.
slops: i had to play the damn TD. how fuct is that. and kevs stupid phrase: ’stack em and rack em’ when he raped my guys and i had to put card on that stacker thing. can you say...jizmogloben?
next game...hey this is a cool matchup, im playin the tall guy who looks like my cousin..i forget his name...but he doesnt come along too often. but he’s a d00d. i go to buy a drink (and i see this fkin hot blondie wearing tight clothes, but yeah anyway) and come back:
Me: soz bout that
him: oh, does that mean you have to forfeit now for not starting on time?
me: oh 5hit...you’re right...no wait, i pull out my card called maul’s d!ck which means we have to go on and play it out.
so yeah, mauls d!ck saves the day!! WOO.
my DS vs guy who looks like my cousin boomracer
woooo!!! BHBM is a machine. i get a loco godhand again with janus and slasher vader: play janus and emperor to his landing site. the game focuses around me controlling this site pretty much. he plays luke, but with crush, i fetch i have u now. that card is so cool: i draw some fkin loco destiny, luke dies, stack. he puts down some scrubs next turn, but i shock one monkey with FOIL FORCE LIGHTNING my god that is such a broken card. i play slasher vader, we fight, i slash one guy, he draws something to get rid of vader, i pull a 5. stack again. as he’s about to win the race, i play CHYBC. i lose 6, no problem, he doesnt retrieve. poor man. i play some sith probedroids to get a few wookies back. then he tries giving me luke, but i get the wookie engine going, and he loses 3 each turn. oucchhh thats gotta hurt. FW by 20 (was 19, but i forgot to return 1 of my race destiny afterward :P im such a dodgy kunt)
FW +20
woo. lunch. adam amy rocks up and we have a nice little chat. ronnie and i are trading or sumfin and a chick walks by with one of those flimsy kinda skirt things that u can see the g string thru, and im begging for her to drop her purse or sumfin, but she doesnt, the b!tch. damn.
after lunchtime, its announced im playing....AARGH. ronnie again!! but im scared this time cause hes borrowed some fkn wicked cards.
my LS vs ronnie ’wheres my snowspeeder foil?’ wilcox’s HDADTJ
hahahahah ronnie’s mad skills finally pay off. he finally gets to podrace (he forgot to put boonta eve in WHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA) and he kicks my @#$% royally cause hes running like 4 phantom menaces and 3 visages or some sh!t. man that sux. i played a lone ben kenobi, bad mistake. down comes maul with stick...and MAUL STRIKES. OUCH my a55hole. quigon and leia set han free. 5 force. big woop. all my attempts to attack him end in failiure. this wasnt a highlight. FL by like...20something i think i dunno.
FL -2somehting
props: MAUL STRIKESSS!!!!!!!!!! we gotta yell that whenever we play it...scare the sh!t outta our opponents...
slops: my a55 is several metres bigger thanks to mauls rapestick.
ronnie and i go for a smoke while someone’s finishing a game...we keep lookin at this chick in some store aloing the road, and shes lookin back really weirdly, so ronnie wonders whether she’s ognna call security; like it’d do much since we’re on the other fkin side of the road....and we see a security guard come out!! hwhahahahaha....so we play maul strikes on the security guard and he goes back inside...his destiny was real crap. so i come back and i have to face...KEVIN!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO DIU LEI LOU MOU (say this to all your cantonese friends, theyll love you for it.....really)
my LS vs kevin’s BHBM beat
grr. none of my racing interrupts come out. maybe i wasnt pulling quigons d!ck hard enough...but anyway...i win, but retrieve none :P i dont learn from my bad experience with ronnie’s maul, and i play a ben alone: down comes lord vader, king of jizz, and bliz 2...squish ben. stack and rack...ARRGH SHUDDUP KEV. i set han free and he and his gurlfriend sit at jabbas palace with my 2nd obi draining for a bit, until bliz wants to come wreck the party, so he squishes han with trample. DIU LEI LOU MOU. leia is royally raped, after lord vader jizzes all over ben with you are beat(ing off). but its all good!! cause guess what.....i use my threepio and draw han!! score. and ive been keeping r2inr1 in my hand the whole game, i send them to kessel, and kev starts losing force like a b!tch again. whahaha. quigon and chewie lockdown the chamber, and lordvader is too chicken to gangbang em. big mistake, cause chewie helps direct damage him to death, i eke out the win by 5.
FW +5
props: whahahahahahhahahahaha i beat kev even though i played like scrub!!
slops: kevin for saying ’stack em and rack em’. next time im gonna play MAUL STRRRRRIKKKKEESSS and we’ll see how u like it.
so ronnie and i go for another smoke, and the chick across the road is closing store, looking weirdly at us again. she’s with a couple of mates so she’s safe from us crossing the road, putting out our @#$%s, pulling her clothes off and raping her like a hoe. pfft right. ronnie runs outta lighter gas cause he overcharged his while he was off his nut...so he looks so pov trying to light 2 cigs with one lighter...but then this cool bob marley type dude with ganj stickers all over his car offers us a light. i saw the car and was thinkin ’ronnie why dont u ask this fellow pot freak for a light instead of harassing random old ladies on the street and calling them b!tches when they dont smoke.’ but anyway we go back and the rankings are like...
1. Kevin...running his own tourney. funny that.
2. john lampe. my god.
3. ME! if i can be 3rd, there is hope for all scrubs everywhere!!!!
4. ronnie ’my hash pipe is crusted with wacky tobacky’ wilcox
5. i dunno the rest.
so i get to pick a tourney foil and i pick IAO cos its dam useful, but i dont want it so if u wanna buy it dmail me...
kev has some packs left over so ronnie and i buy up some...SECRET TIP with coruscant boxes. pick the middle pack of the middle column, and the 3rd last pack of the right column. i did and i got an AI phantom and a masta quigon. w00t! and the sydney TD is selling cards so me n ronnie rush up to the atm, but its not taking his card so i lend him 20...we buy some stuff like lot dod, MAUL STRIIIIIKKKES!! and accelerate our plans. ronnie gives me a maul stick for 7 bux and still owes me $13.00. oh, and ronnie gets PORN FREE TAA (props to mike gemme), so i borrow a pen from kev and write it in, and i was about to put a little speech thing saying ’i luv s1uts’ but kev took it off me. spoilsport. bout this time we all part our seperate ways, i take a lift home with kev, who gives me an AI tat maul for my AI masta quigon. so that kicked ass. all in all a dam successful day. thanx for reading.
Props:
ronnie for being a funny barstard, for downing his xtc pill with BEER, for running out of gas and for the maul stick. is this guy amazing or what? call me sometime and we’ll go get trashed or sumfin.
kev for hosting, and for AI maul
the guy who did lot dod for council chamber. i gave him all my common/UC from prize support so he did a deal for me.
the dude who looks like my cousin for letting me play maul’s d!ck: its not tourney legal for another week, man.
FOIL FORCE LIGHNING for being the most powerful card ever in the SWCCG universe. you all know it is.
all the good players for not coming and wrecking my reign as the king of the scrubs.
any good lookin chick with a g-string. bend over.
Slops:
john lampe. you all know why.
all the chicks at oz on collins with boyfriends. they can go fcuk themselves. leaving their chicks to me.
kevin for playin in his own tourney. if i didnt have to play him i woulda whupped.
thats all actually...damn good tournament. good haul of cards, and good games.
thanx for reading. and remember not to go straight for the pleasure button, you gotta make the hoe want it first. it takes em half an hour to warm up properly.
sayonara.
giles, the scrub king.