the-downfall-of-swccg-parker-co
Title: the-downfall-of-swccg-parker-co
Author: Tom "Divebum101" Meade
Date: Feb 6, 2002
p@#%ed about the way the game is going (end of the contract, bad decks, bad mechanics, ext). I’m using this report to rant about how Parker, CO, the great Satan of the SWCCG world, has destroyed our great game. So if your from Parker, or play there often, you may be offended by the contents of the report, and for that I DON’T apologize. You Parker f@#%s have had fair warning, so don’t give me bad reviews because I’m telling the SWCCG community how you guys are ruining our great game. All those who are not Parker c@#%knockers, please enjoy! :P
Oh ya, and if you are "Christian" and easily offended, you will accuse me of heresy after you are done reading this festivis, so don’t read this.
“I’m not even supposed to be here today!” Dante Hicks of Clerks
Friday: I’m headed to Greeley with friend Banky (aka Pete Cole). I’m p@#%ed about random s@#%, just like every other day, but I’m having a nic-fit, so I feel some hate crimes coming on. We get to the Dungeon to meet up with the locals and new-comers. I greet my good friend Tom Kathman, the TD, and this former Parker f@#% Chris Fanchi. Chris informs me that Brian Hunter and the Parker crew are showing up today, and I get all happy because I get to deal with s@#% bricks for seven hours, me was so happy. The Parker crew called up minutes before start time, and say that they’re going to be real late. Kathman starts the tourney without them, but the bytchs show up after game 1 or 2, so F@#%! On to my games:
My Decks:
Light Side: Throne Room Mains
Dark Side: Senate/Hit and Run
Game 1: Bye
2(0)
Highs: um…uh…um…uh…F@#% You Parker, CO!
Lows: I can’t think of a way to blame this travesty on Parker, but hey its all good.
Game 2: Banky, aka Peter Cole (as of 1/18/02, 1600) LS Hidden Mains
I love playing the guys I play test with in tournaments. Banky doesn’t like this match-up. His deck relies on the DS to provide the force and main locations of conflict, and my deck doesn’t give up too much force to the other side. The game wasn’t very profound, I set up the Senate, play some dark jedis with built in weapons, place some jedi out of play with Sidious, beat down the upkeep falcon with Thrawn, Executor, and Zuckess, ext. The game went well for me real early, as I controlled the board, and Banky wasn’t able to do too much.
4(+31)
Highs: My deck did what it was supposed to do.
Lows: Beating up on Banky early in tourney.
Props to opponent: Banky did what he could to try stop me.
Game 3: Joel Jackson (as of 1/18/02, 1711) DS Maul’s Hut @$$ feast
Joel is a cool guy from Wyoming who commutes down for the occasional tourney. He and I have had a friendly rivalry for a while, as Joel can occasionally get a big win off me. We had this exact same match up last tournament, so we both have a general idea of how to kill each other in this game. Joel waits to do anything till I’m set up, at which point in time he attacks and sets up the big drains. I’m able to do some hit and runs with EPPs, but his damage was large and swift. Joel was able to roll over my characters, and get a good win.
4(+14)
Highs: none, I lost to deck I’ve beaten many times in the past.
Lows: lots, but I don’t go off on Joel, after he’s not from Parker.
Props to opponent: Joel got one of his beloved wins off me.
Game 4 is the start of this weekend’s fun interactions with Parker c@#% rags, so let the rants begin!
Game 4: Jakob Brown (as of 10/8/01 1483) LS Watch Your Step
This game and my opponent are great examples of why Parker is the great Satan of SWCCG. You got this Parker kid thinking he is hot s@#% cause he’s won a few games and he drove up from Denver with the number one player in the world. All (or at least 95%) of the Parker peeps think that they’re the f@#%ing s@#% just cause they have played the best in the world the first round of a weekly tournament, then they beat up on the other scrubs the rest of the day. This punk was playing a s@#%ty stereotypical WYS. The deck type that everyone down in Parker are playing, just the number one player in the world is playing that deck. Parker is the land of leeches. The lower players, like this punk, build decks based of the decks played by the best in the world or the occasional guy who is lucky enough to beat Brian. No origanity, this leeches poorly feed off the ideas of the best, causing the game meta and environment go stagnate, boring, and pointless. Getting to the game, I’m playing my Senate deck that I thought could take the battle to Watch Your Step in space in on the ground. We fought over the Cantina, as I tried to get enough force to do something significant in space. I couldn’t really do anything except retrieve with Squabbling Delegates, but it too little. The bytch won. I F@#%ING hate losing to a @#$%y, arrogant crony of Hunter, just because the kid plays a s@#%y, unoriginal version of Brian Hunter deck.
4(0)
Highs: I got a reason to write a tournament report after this game.
Lows: Having to play a f@#%ing @$$hole who thinks that WYS is a cool deck.
Props to opponent: good deck Jakob, I haven’t really seen too many WYS decks in the environment!
Game 5: Cody Jewell (as of 12/9/01 1534) LS Lightsaber Combat
This guy was funny. He is one of those Parker bytches who make a big deal about rules and timing when an opponent makes a mistake, I guess that winning is so important to these scrubs that they have to be c@#%s to people who are trying to have fun (alright, I’m being hypocritical, but I’m only a c@#% rag like this to @$$holes from Parker :P) Cody was playing Combat with podracing. Damn, no racer, I guess I had something to retrieve with Squabbling. I got Sidious, Lott, and Maul in my opening hand, so this game was a lot of fun.
My first turn: flip with Lott
His first turn: drop Mace
My second: drop Maul and Sidiuos; battle; Mace was KIA and out of play
His second: drop Qui-Gon
My Third: drop Vader; battle; Qui-Gon was KIA and out of play
His Third: draw
My Fourth: finish podrace, drop Palpatine at arena
His Fourth: drop Obi-Wan
My Fifth: drop Maul; battle; Obi-Wan was KIA and out of play
His Fifth: draw
My Sixth: drop Maul to core; move Sidious to Theed; he flips…permanently
His Sixth: drops new Lando and Twas Kaa against Maul; battle; Maul is KIA but not out of play
My Seventh: retrieve with Squabbling
His Seventh: drops LSJK
My Eighth: drop Maul; battle Puke, two swings, I Have You Now, ext; Luke was KIA and out of play.
His Eighth: I thinks he draws up this turn or next.
6(+17)
Highs: placing mad jedi out of play
Lows: listening to the Parker guys making irreverent and unintelligent commentary during the game
Props to opponent: Cody, man, you were one funny mother
f@#%er!
Game 6: Adam Peabody (as of 1/18/02 1413) DS Imperial Occupation of Ord Mandel
Bad, bad, bad match-up for Adam. His deck relies on dark mains and big drains. I got Menace Fades up and running by turn 3, and in the words of Jesus (Jason Keen, not cool #1 Jesus or John Arent Jesus, but Qui-Gon Jesus) light mains with built-in lightsabers are better then dark mains. Every time he deployed to a site, I would clear it with crazy activation and dirt cheap mains, thanks to Ounra Ta shield. The game goes fast, and Adam wasn’t able to do anything.
8(+53)
Highs: super end to a super day: “ya, in your bra!”
Lows: beating up on Adam, this local guy is cool, and his decks are progressively getting better, but I hate to dishearten him by beating him by 36…no good, almost as bad as playing Parker @$$holes.
Final Standings:
1. Hunter… this F@#%ER shows up late, and still wins!
2. Tom Kathman
3. Fanchi
4. me
Saturday: So I go home, watch a cool movie, and get some sleep by 3:00 A.M. I then get up early to help my moms get the house ready for a showing, so I can out of this jank @$$ state, and get a real life. Anyways, I get out of the house around 8:30 to pick up Kathman in Greeley for a day of anti-Parker actions in the puke-town of the devil. I’m feeling sicker then s@#% cause I’m a lazy b@#%ard that only got four hours of sleep, when I usually get about twelve to sixteen hours of mindless vegetation. We (Kathman, Ed Rivas, and me) roll in to Parker around 12:00 P.M., thank you very much Denver traffic, c@#%s, for another fun day of battling the evil playing styles of cool #1 Jesus and his cronies.
Game 1: Matt Miller () DS Senate
I thought my Massassi mains deck was the s@#%. I get first action, can attack when the dark side does something, ext. Nope, this deck sucks bigger c@#% then the bytchs of Parker. I set up the council and a docking bay, while I wait for my space stuff to float to my hand. Matt plays some dark jedi that I attack and kill, but it does minimal damage. The game turning event is when Matt attacks Liea with Blaster and new Lando with several dark mains. I end up losing eighteen force…. no good for me, just in cause I got the idea of winning the game. Matt eventually drains me out, and even plays presence on the Senate.
0(-28)
Highs: super start to day in hell
Low: seeing someone kick the s@#% out of Liea with gun, then play presence on the Senate……what the F@#%!
Props to opponent: This guy wasn’t a typical Parker prick, or maybe I was too tired to notice.?.
Game 2: Edward Rivas (1543) LS combat
I drive three and a half hours to play my friend who I play test with almost everyday…. what the F@#%! I hate you so much Parker tournament computer program! Ed plays jedi, my deck kills jedi (see game 5 from last night). I hate beating up on my friend who I drove to hell with. F@#%!
Highs: none
Lows: I hate Parker…AUHHH…
Props to Opponent: You take these games with a grain of salt bud, that’s really cool you Ed.
2(-11)
Game 3: Jymn McGhghy (as of 10/8/01 1489) LS There IS Good In Him Ewoks
This match was funny. I flipped early and attacked his characters that deployed to Endor sites. It took me awhile to get my activation going, so all I could was attack the occasional character or two, then get harassed by Jymn’s horde of mains. I eventually got my space s@#% set up, captured LSJK with Vader, and controlled a battle ground site. I then drained Jymn out after Squabbling, but not before Jymn played Frigin Dan. What the F@#%? Frigin Dan gained Jymn and I back a few force, but seriously what is s@#% is going on when someone plays Frigin Dan.
4(+7)
Highs: I saw someone play Frigin Dan.
Lows: I saw someone play Frigin Dan, and I beat up on someone new to tournament play.
Props to opponent: Jymn’s drains were huge, I was worried early on.
Slops to me: I gave this guy a lot of s@#% for playing weird tech.
Game 4: Jymn McGhghy (as of 10/8/01 1489) DS deck I don’t remember
Its Wednesday, I don’t remember what Jymn’s DS deck was or what happened in the game. All I know is that I said before the game that if he had Tech Mor in his deck, that I would quit SWCCG, and seeing is that I’m still playing, there was no Tech Mor.
Highs: don’t remember
Lows: going on about Frigan Dan
Props to opponent: playing the game well as a new player.
Slops to me: I was a jack@$$ to this guy because of his funky Premiere deck.
6(+34)
Game 5: Jeff Baxter (as of 12/8/01 1527) LS Rebel Strike Team
This guy was cool, so I won’t use this round’s games as a tool to rant about Parker. I flip early, he sets up scouts at the landing site and Dash up at Endor. I kill Dash with Zuckess, and set up a battleground site. I set up my small drains while Jeff set up the bunker destruction. There was nothing to hit and run, so sit back on my drains while Jeff blows up the bunker and plays some characters to set up more drains. I eventually drain the guy out.
8(+48)
Highs: I played against RST.
Lows: He blew up his own card and I lost force, that don’t make no sense.
Props to opponent: this guy wasn’t a typical Parker @$$hole.
Game 6: Jeff Baxter (as of 12/8/01 1527) DS Walker Garrison
This game sucked, I thought the mains would do better against walkers. I got all interrupts in my opening hand, and I only got two characters in my first draw (Lando and Corran Horn). Next turn for Jeff, he drops Pieet to Executor: Docking Bay. I play my two characters and kill Pieet. I couldn’t do anything after that, so Jeff was able out-drain me out.
8(+27)
Highs: super end to super SWCCG weekend!
Lows: losing to a deck I thought I should be able to deck.
Props to opponent: Jeff let me try the match-up again afterwards which was really cool.
Final Standings:
1. Hunter; surprise, surprise, surprise….
2. Ian Monteith
3. Tom McGee
4. Jeff Baxter
5. me
Props:
Tom Kathman: to running both tournaments, because Graeta wasn’t in Parker.
All my non-Parker opponents: you guys were cool
Anyone who read all of this, and gave good reviews
Parker crew: the only thing these f@#%s did right was show-up in Greeley, so that we could have a fifteen player tournament for a “dead” game.
Chris Fanchi: for not a Parker POS anymore.
Tom Kathman: for driving
LotR tournament on Saturday: for not having enough people to play…..HA HA HA!
Banky and Tom McGee: for hooking me up during a nic-fit on Friday
Brian Hunter: Jesus is funny guy
Jymn McGhghy: for taking me smack-talk with a grain of salt.
Everything else that’s cool that I can’t say or remember.
Slops:
Osama bin Laden: where are you, you skinny, dumb F@#%?
Parker: see reasons above and below
Parker: for not being at fault for my bye round or for @$$holes like Clint Hayes or Hayes Hunter.
Parker: for making me play four different people in a six game tournament, one of those players being a friend a play everyday; what the F@#%!?!
Parker players: see above and below.
WYS: for being soooo gay!!!!!
Me: for being a hypocritical @$$hole
Craig T.: for not playing in the tournaments.
Craig T.: for being a dumb@$$
LotR: for being the plague of SWCCG
Lucas films: why destroy a good you c@#%-smokers?
My pent-up anger: gave me a reason to write this s@#%-feast.
Me: for not remembering all the details of most of my games, and not being funny in this report.
Everything else I can’t say or remember: this s@#% sucks @$$ too!
Other s@#% that Parker did to p@#% me off that I can’t prove via my game reports:
CollectorMania is the bytch of Decipher INC., so when Decipher releases a new game after having the SWCCG contract terminated CollectorMania feels the squeeze to promote this new game. The shop encourages the players to jump ship to the new s@#%ty game, causing a perfectly good game, SWCCG, to dendal in sea of jizz known as LotR.
Parker is the stomping ground of Brian Hunter, number one rated player in the world. Because of Brian, this town should be the birth place of great SWCCG ideas, but no, all these leech scrubs just play what Brian plays. This effects the entire SWCCG world, because the non-Parker players look to Parker to compare and contrast strategies and deck ideas. All that these players get from site like Decktech and GPA is a bunch of copied Brian Hunter decks that do the SWCCG no good by creating a lack of variety in decks and strategy.
In general, Parker is the breeding ground for the @$$holes of the SWCCG world, which ruins the game for those of us in CO who would like the game to be fun.
I said at the beginning that this s@#%-feast report was that Parker is root of all evil in our game. This is kind of a stretch, but I feel the need to find a way to blame Parker for the loss of the SWCCG contract. This is tough, but here it goes:
Parker=CO: Lucas is from CA, a nice warm place. CO is too cold to be the heartland of the SWCCG world, hence no contract to a company who’s SWCCG Mecca is in Parker, CO.
Parker=@$$holes: a SWCCG is supposed to make peeps happy, just like the movies, but @$$holes from Parker in the game don’t make peeps happy, hence no contract.
I hope you readers who have read this whole thing have enjoyed the festivities of the report. What, do you ask, should we SWCCG players do to against the evil powers of Parker, CO? I think as individuals and as SWCCG communities we should continue to remind the Parker peeps that they are c@#% rags who should stop polluting our game with copied decks and ideas that causes playing the game to be a choir instead of an enjoyable past time. F@#% YOU Parker.
-OUT